Did you know there are more slaves today than there were before the Civil War? And that the trafficking of humans is one of the most luctrative forms of crime worldwide, behind only drugs and weapons? And that some researchers think it is quickly passing weapons for the number two spot?

This is what Tiggy’s House aims to fight by providing a home for impoverished children as part of Tiny Hands International’s Dream Center in Nepal.

That’s why we are proud to be a part of Such Fun to Give’s effort to raise awareness of modern slavery through a series of giveaways on her blog. Click on the button. Enter giveaways. Share with friends. Help fight slavery.

I sit down to write feeling energetic. I have a plan. A purpose. And with the house quiet, it is time to start working.

A cloud fell over my spring plans for chicks and ducklings and goslings and the garden when an order of chicks got left in a sorting facility rather than sent on and all the chicks arrived dead. We were defeated before we began and I wondered how many more springs I could look forward to by telling myself, “This year will be different.” How long before I give it up and accept that everything I do will be marked by failure?

But then the responses started coming in about our little road trip for Tiggy’s House and I was busy trying to juggle schedules for stops in Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas. And so many people asked us about heading east that we’re already sketching out possibilities for September. It’s a good busy. And a reminder of why we are here.

So I close my eyes to my own feelings of failure and determine to move forward with the plans that have been made.

And then I walk by the incubator and see a chick. And an egg cracking. And suddenly all of our dreams for this property seem possible again.

So I sit down to write, feeling more energetic than I remember feeling since before that night. That horrible night that robbed the present of its life, the past of its warmth and the future of its promise. I sit down thinking how to put down in words that moment when I felt I could say, “I’m looking forward to . . . ”

I want to capture that moment somehow, if only in a few words written late at night while thinking of other things.

But I am interrupted by little feet coming up the stairs. And then those eyes . . . so lost. So hurt. So alone. And little LE leans her her head against my shoulder.

“I miss Tiggy.”

And the tears begin to flow. Her whole body shakes as I hold her and my own tears begin to fall.

I don’t know what to tell her. There are all the things I’ve said a thousand times before, but I still don’t know what to say. I want to take this burden from her, cry out to take this burden as mine and mine alone and scream that this just isn’t fair. So I hold her and don’t say anything at all.

But Mookie has something to say. He slides down out of the chair next to me and hugs his big sister. Peering around her side, he looks up at her tear stained face.

“Hi?’

He says in the gentlest, most loving voice.

“Hi?”

And she looks at him and he smiles softly.

“Oh, Mookie,” she says, and gives him a hug.

He catches the edge of her pajama top and tugs until she starts to follow. He leads her in a circle, around and around until she smiles.

“Where are you taking me, Mookie?” she laughs.

He stops to giggle and clap. They’re both giggling now.

And I never knew you could hurt so much and feel so blessed all at the same time.

Now that we have a house sitter lined up, I am excited to announce that we are planning a little road trip at the end of February! We’ll be on the road from February 20 to February 27 and heading south to San Antonio. Mattias birthday is on the 23rd and we wanted to do something special to mark the day. We have already made arrangements to meet up with a couple of families that have been an encouragement to us and have a couple of dessert parties planned for the fellowship and as a fundraiser for Tiggy’s House. And it seemed like such a fun idea, we decided to see if anyone else would like to join in!

If you live anywhere between Lincoln, Nebraska and San Antonio, Texas and would be interested in organizing a brunch/soup/chocolate/braiding/game night/whatever-sounds-good-to-you party, send me an email (dhanleyATtiggyshouseDOTcom) and we’ll see if we can work out a schedule and visit with as many people as we can.

What is involved?

1. Decide what you wouldl like to do (brunch, soup, chocolate, braiding, games or whatever).
2. Invite your friends over for a time of fellowship.
3. Ask them to bring a dish and a suggested donation. (My mom did $10 at the one she did and it was quite successful, but you know what would be most appropriate in your circle of friends!)
4. We’ll come over and enjoy the time of fellowship together and hopefully raise a little money for Tiggy’s House at the same time!

Don’t feel like you have to raise hundreds of dollars to make it worth stopping at your house. We’re making the trip anyway and we really would like to meet some of the wonderful people who have been so incredibly supportive to us over the last year. Anything we are able to raise in addition to that is just like icing on the cake!

We can just chat if you like, or we have a bit of a piece put together on grief to help people know a little what it is like and how they can help friends and acquintances going through difficult times. Of course we’ll talk a little about Tiggy’s House. And if there is anything else we might be competent to talk about, just ask!

If you would like to host a braiding party, let me know. I would love to bring my marudai and enough Kumihimo disks for everyone. I would have to charge $10 per person for that rather than leaving it strictly to donation, but everyone will be able to make a bracelet to take home with them and keep their Kumihimo disk to make as many as they would like at home. I would also love to give a lesson to your homeschool group! (I would also need an approximate count as soon as possible to be sure I can order enough in.)

If you have any questions or would like to start trying to work out a time and a date for us to stop by, drop me a note here in the comments, on Facebook or via my email: dhanleyATtiggyshouseDOTcom (replace the letters in all caps for the appropriate punctuation.)

And if you live in another part of the country and this sounds like something you’d like to do, let us know! Of course, you don’t need us, but if you would like us to visit, we may plan one of these again sometime and head a different direction.

All money raised will be donated to Tiny Hands International toward the construction of Tiggy’s House, a children’s Home in Nepal to fight poverty and sex-trafficking.

Thank you so much!

The baby naps, Bear and Mouse watch a movie, Bug and LE are having a picnic, the house is quiet. The stillness of the house makes the churning in my stomach grow louder. I wander a bit from sweeping the front room to making the bed to filling the sink with water to staring out the window. Our property and the adjacent field is bathed in golden light and I decide to take the dogs for a walk.

And I think back on last year. On the hours spent playing board games with the kids. On the hours spent pacing through the house. On the hours spent staring out my window. On the moment life became a prison sentence. And this churning in the pit of my stomach knows no end.

I think of the conversations I have had with other mothers who tell me the second year was harder than the first. To the counselor who told me it can take years to really recover from the shock of losing a child unexpectedly. But I don’t have years. I have children. Children who need more than a mother who is coping.

But I know it has gotten better. It doesn’t always feel like it has, I think because so much of last year was lost to a haze I can scarcely see through. I don’t really remember what it was like. Not clearly. But I do know that a year ago I would not have stepped outside. To feed the chickens, yes. If the children called me out, maybe. But because the property was bathed in a golden light and I thought I might find some peace standing in its midst? Never.

A year ago, I was dead inside and I didn’t really care if I ever felt anything else. Now, there is just this churning, this continual anxiety that rests in the pit of my stomach and never quite takes over and never quite goes away.

“Lord, please . . . “

I ask. But I don’t quite know what I’m praying for. My soul pleads, but there are no words so I turn toward the cemetary where I can see the cedar trees lining the northern edge. The dogs stop at the edge of our windbreak, waiting to see if I’m going to walk to the pasture or just stand there and then I see it.

A beautiful rainbow stretching across the sky. One of the most beautiful I have ever seen.

And the tears begin to flow and my chest heaves with its sobs. I know what the rainbow means, but I want those promises for me. I want to know my children will come through this. I want to know that Micah won’t struggle because so much of his early life was dominated by his mother’s grief. I want to know that this won’t happen again.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

I hear Bug calling from the windbreak. I struggle to regain my composure as she runs up to me.

“Mommy! Mommy! Do you see the rainbow? Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Yes, it is sweetheart. It’s very beautiful.”

I say it without looking. My back to the rainbow, I look at her shining face.

“Look, Mommy! You have to look!”

I turn, and I look, and I see. A double rainbow.

And the knot in my stomach eases just a little bit.

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Julie is looking to possibly head up our first book discussion if there is any interest. If you would be interested in joining in a discussion of the book “When Life is Hard” by James MacDonald, pop in and let her know!

I started a community. A support group of sorts. For anyone who is hurting and would like encouragement to seek out joy. Why would I do such a thing?

This Christmas season has not been easy. I find myself pacing through the day, unable to settle my thoughts, unable to concentrate. Nights bring an anxiety that rests in the pit of my stomach, driving sleep from me and leading me to watch shows I’m scarcely interested in until even hulu asks if I maybe need a break.

And it reminds me of last year when, after several months of shock, I decided to take a small step forward and join a few support groups online. Only it really wasn’t a step forward. Not for me. I cannot begin to express the level of despair I felt talking to women years ahead of me in this journey who seemed to wear their grief like a badge of honor and a sign of loyalty to the child they lost. Who seemed to turn every conversation into a competition for who was hurting the most.

That’s when a woman hurting after a miscarriage and fearing that she might not be able to have children said to me, “At least you got to hold your baby.” And I didn’t really know what to do with that, so I left.

And I realize that what I want is a small space where people who are hurting can come together and share their burdens so they are easier to bear and where we can encourage one another to seek out joy a little bit each day. So I decided to try to create one and I guess we’ll see where it goes from here.

You don’t have to have lost a child to join. You just need to want to seek out joy even when it isn’t easy.

I should have realized that agreeing to do a book review so soon after Christmas would leave me putting off reading the book, but in the end, it didn’t matter much. Once I finally started reading, I had trouble putting it down and those are the best kinds of books.

The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow weaves together the stories of life and shattered dreams and hope from several women — daughters — as they intersect on a small pedestal of a mirrored room in a bridal shop in a small midwestern town. It is a story about love, from the kind expressed at home to the kind hoped for while selecting the perfect dress for the wedding day. Each of the women travelled a different path to this spot. Whether abused, divorced, widowed or sheltered within an intact and loving family, all view their experiences as strengths that will see them through this next phase of their lives.

I enjoyed each of the stories. The mother refusing help with the dishes year after year as her legacy of love to her daughter who now has fond memories of her mother every time she washes dishes left me pondering how our lives might be affected by continually and intentionally viewing household chores as acts of love and humble service. The love for an infant who died in a simple accident that was shared with siblings who never met her and that affected their views on love and commitment and loss left me hopeful that my children will carry more from this last year than just the hurt of losing their brother. And of course the refreshing commitment of a group of sisters who had made vows of purity and saved their first kiss made me hopeful that my daughters, too, might approach their “happily ever afters” with such seriousness.

I thought of my own dress, borrowed from my aunt and hemmed by my grandmother as I waited to walk down the aisle that was decorated by the ladies of the church. There was nothing flashy. The entire thing didn’t cost much more than what most brides pay for just the dress now. And the ring . . . well, when I read that the jewelry industry is setting a standard that the young man should expect to pay two months salary on the ring, my jaw dropped. I know how much my ring cost because I gave him the money to buy it before I went to class. He had spent almost all he had coming to America, but if he had spent that kind of money on a ring, I think I would have said no.

So far, it seems to have served us well. What was your wedding dress like? Did you have time to reflect on the new life you were about to begin, or were you too overwhelmed with the details and excitement over the wedding to worry much about what came next? And did anyone else go from proposal to wedding in one month?

_______________________

Disclosure: This is a paid review for which I also received a free copy of the book, The Magic Room, however all opinions are my own and were not influenced by any one else.

I had wanted to write something to mark today. I remember thinking that I should sketch out an outline of my thoughts in case I forgot what I wanted to say. But it was simple and didn’t seem necessary. Except that Sunday morning I started doing something I haven’t done for a long time: counting down the last hours of Mattias’ life.

From letting him sleep in that last morning because he was fighting off the end of a cold to the doctors entering the waiting room at 3:30 the next morning to tell us they weren’t able to save him, I walked through each minute of Tiggy’s last day, always aware of the time, always aware of what I was doing one year ago today.

And I have no idea what I had wanted to write. So I’ll share this once again. His memorial video.

I love you, Mattias. And though it has already been a whole year, I still can’t quite imagine what life is going to be like without you.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words, prayers and notes of encouragement over the last year. God bless.

For some reason, I thought the craft show ended at three, not four. I was on my own with a six year old to break down and load the car. I had promised her Wendy’s and a frosty. I needed to stop at WalMart for glue.

And it was a two and a half hour drive home in good conditions and these roads were anything but good.

John needed me home by nine in case he got called to work. And my Bug had to climb every snow mound and jump off every hill.

“Come on, Bug.”

I felt the impatience of a dozen other things I needed to do, of places I needed to be, of tasks calling me out of this Winter Wonderland and into the world of “Hurry up.”

I felt the impatience and the whining lilt to my words before I even lent voice to them and my displeasured scowl was met with glistening eyes full of the wonder of the first real snow of the season.

And I replaced the impatient words with a deep breath and a different exclamation.

“That’s a big hill, Bug! Do you think you can climb it?”

Because ten years from now it won’t matter whether or not I had time to pick up glue on my way home from a craft show. But Bug’s memories of playing in the snow with her mom after our Big Day with just the two of us just might.

First Advent came and went with hardly a nod. I had wanted to do something. Something to make this time special for my children. Something to help us keep our perspective through this season filled with so many memories.

Last year we put up our first tree in years. The children had so much fun running up and down between the trees at the Christmas tree farm and there was Tiggy, in the middle of it all, enjoying just being outside in the fresh air amidst the trees. We brought the tree home and slowly the bottom half of the tree was emptied of its ornaments as they found places higher up out of his reach or on the windowsill waiting for a new home on the tree.

He died on the third advent.

Then the ornaments stayed on the tree where they were put and looking at ornaments placed on the bottom half made me cry.

Time is again feeling like a freight train. Slow and unstoppable, dragging me through the upcoming days, bearing down on December 12, gathering force as everything around me goes out of focus and I see only one day on the horizon.

I wanted to do something special to help us keep perspective. Maybe light a candle and sing a song. Bake cookies together and have cocoa. But we were out of eggs and out of milk and I had a splitting headache.

So I let them have some ice cream with Nestle Quik sprinkled on top while they watched It’s a Wonderful Life , Micah napped and laid on the couch.

I wanted to do something special because this season is so hard. It is so hard for me to see anything but the death of my son and at times it seems like a nightmare that is about to happen rather than one that happened almost a year ago.

But when I lift my eyes, I see something more. Something distant and indistinct but too bright to be ignored. I see the shadow of heaven, hear the echo of the promises made, feel the warmth of everlasting love and know that I will hold that little boy again.

Because death is not the end.

And I want to share that with my children, even through my tears.

The day Hunter didn’t get up to do chores with me in the morning was the day I decided it was time to let him go. His appointment is in about an hour.

He didn’t even lift his head when I went out to do chores this morning.

It’s hard to say goodbye. Going out to brush him one last time before carrying him to the car.