First Advent came and went with hardly a nod. I had wanted to do something. Something to make this time special for my children. Something to help us keep our perspective through this season filled with so many memories.

Last year we put up our first tree in years. The children had so much fun running up and down between the trees at the Christmas tree farm and there was Tiggy, in the middle of it all, enjoying just being outside in the fresh air amidst the trees. We brought the tree home and slowly the bottom half of the tree was emptied of its ornaments as they found places higher up out of his reach or on the windowsill waiting for a new home on the tree.

He died on the third advent.

Then the ornaments stayed on the tree where they were put and looking at ornaments placed on the bottom half made me cry.

Time is again feeling like a freight train. Slow and unstoppable, dragging me through the upcoming days, bearing down on December 12, gathering force as everything around me goes out of focus and I see only one day on the horizon.

I wanted to do something special to help us keep perspective. Maybe light a candle and sing a song. Bake cookies together and have cocoa. But we were out of eggs and out of milk and I had a splitting headache.

So I let them have some ice cream with Nestle Quik sprinkled on top while they watched It’s a Wonderful Life , Micah napped and laid on the couch.

I wanted to do something special because this season is so hard. It is so hard for me to see anything but the death of my son and at times it seems like a nightmare that is about to happen rather than one that happened almost a year ago.

But when I lift my eyes, I see something more. Something distant and indistinct but too bright to be ignored. I see the shadow of heaven, hear the echo of the promises made, feel the warmth of everlasting love and know that I will hold that little boy again.

Because death is not the end.

And I want to share that with my children, even through my tears.

The day Hunter didn’t get up to do chores with me in the morning was the day I decided it was time to let him go. His appointment is in about an hour.

He didn’t even lift his head when I went out to do chores this morning.

It’s hard to say goodbye. Going out to brush him one last time before carrying him to the car.

Head and Shoulders Review and Giveaway

Winter is coming, and with it dryer air. My dogs are all scratching from the dry air coupled with too many flea baths and reminding me how I normally feel this time of year.

I recently had the opportunity to try out Eucalyptus Head & Shoulders Itchy Scalp Care shampoo and conditioner for that very problem. Well, not the too many flea baths part, but every winter my scalp itches like crazy from the dry air.

I am not into a ton of beauty products. Or any, really. I don’t even wear make up. For me, the less fuss the better. After all, I have six children and a small farm to manage. The less time spent in the bathroom, the better.

But especially now that I am going to craft shows and talking to people while out raising money for Tiggy’s House, I’m a little conscious about the whole itchy scalp thing. Scratching your head while talking to people is not a big selling point. Trying to not scratch your head while talking to people is a tad distracting and not particularly comfortable.

I have tried some different things in the past, but not being particularly into beauty products, I’ve mostly just lightened up on the hair washing, tried some different conditioners and brushed my hair. Mostly because it is kind of like scratching, without all the scratching.

So I was excited to have the opportunity to review Head & Shoulders products. I’m always excited to try something that doesn’t take a lot of time and that I might actually go out and get myself.

What is there to say? It is shampoo. I liked it. It smelled nice. I haven’t had any problems with itchy scalp or dandruff while using it. Even with my wild mess of hair that always receives comments like “This is the thickest hair I’ve ever seen!” when I get it cut, it rinsed out well which is actually the biggest problem I normally have with shampoo and why I sort of liked that whole apple cider vinegar and baking soda thing before we got the shower fixed. Plus the eucalyptus smells really nice, which is a nice plus.

Now for the sweepstakes part of this review. BlogHer would like to offer one lucky reader a $50 Visa gift card for answering the following question:

How do you change your beauty routine in the colder winter season from the warmer seasons?

Leave me a comment to be entered to win.

Rules:

No duplicate comments.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

b) Tweet about this promotion and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post

c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post

d) For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older.

Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 11/21/11 – 12/22/11

Be sure to visit the Promotions & Prizes page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win!

Want more great tips for winter hair care? Check out the newest “Looking Your Best” post in the Life Well Lived section of BlogHer.com.

You know what bothers me the most when I talk to people about Tiggy’s House? The fact that I feel compelled to adjust what I say when their children are present. The reality that thousands of Nepalese girls face every day is something that we here in America do not feel comfortable even discussing in front of children the same age. The life these children face is nothing short of a nightmare.

And yet there is hope. Not only for the girls who are rescued, but for entire villages as organizations work to educate and empower the local community. As we enter this season of giving and thanksgiving, I would like to ask you to please give thanks specifically for those individuals and organizations working tirelessly to provide these girls with a hope and a future.

We are almost a quarter of the way to funding Tiggy’s House, one children’s home planned as part of Tiny Hands International’s Dream Center which will provide shelter, education and healthcare to rescued children as well as to the surrounding village in an effort to empower the local community to stop sex-trafficking at its roots.

You can help by praying for this project, sharing this information with your friends and family, shopping through our Etsy shop and Amazon affiliate link and of course by remembering Tiny Hands International during your seasonal giving. (Just choose “Tiggy’s House” under the “Choose a Charity” drop down menu.)

But most of all pray for us.

And thank you so much for your ongoing support of our family.

” I can’t do this!” He screams.

There’s something in the flushed cheeks, the set jaw, the glaring eyes that cause me to just walk away. I sit on the couch, pull up a blanket and try not to feel every word he screams.

“I can’t do this! I hate school! I hate math! I hate writing! I can’t do this”

He slams down his notebook, punches it and slams it down again. He’s shaking with fury as he throws himself into his chair over and over again.

Over a sentence.

And I don’t know what to do. The words he’s screaming I stopped screaming months ago, and yet they are always there, whispering in my mind when things begin to pile up and I fall behind on dishes and laundry and school. I don’t know how to do this. I can’t do this. And they leave me on the porch, crying into Jake’s fur while I look out over the fields toward the cedar trees marking the northern edge of the cemetary where my son’s body lies.

“I hate this! I’m stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I’m the stupidest boy I know! I’m the stupidest boy in the world!”

Tears sting my eyes as he gives himself over to violent sobs that seem greater than he. I don’t know what to do. I want to comfort him, take the assignment away, break it down somehow so this one sentence doesn’t bring the whole world crashing down.

And yet I have sat kneeling in an onion patch, screaming at weeds and sobbing over all the the things I couldn’t do. I feel that day in every word he screams and I have a vague sense that this is his onion patch. It is his onion patch and he has to walk through it.

Because the only emotion he has ever really talked about in connection with that night is anger. Anger that it happened. Anger that his sister wasn’t fast enough to stop it. Anger that he let Mattias get out of his lap. Anger that I wasn’t there. Anger that he feels isn’t justified because it really wasn’t anyone’s fault.

And yet his brother is dead and he is angry. And he doesn’t know what to do with it all.

And I don’t know how to help him.

OK, before I get started with this review and giveaway, I thought I would share a couple of tips.

1. When you go to the store for the few things you need for a review of Hellmann’s® mayonnaise, and you forget the recipe, and you call your husband to read it to you, write down everything he says. If you skip what you think is obvious, you might get home without the Hellmann’s® mayonnaise. And beyond requiring a second trip to the store, it would be kind of embarrassing. Because it seems kind of obvious, you know?

2. It doesn’t really matter if your turkey has been defrosting in the refrigerator for several days, you really should check it before 2 o’clock the day you plan to cook it. As much as your children may enjoy helping you roast a turkey at eight in the evening, your Thanksgiving guests may not.

Not that I know anything about that from experience or anything. But the holidays are hectic, and I could see something like that happening. To you. Not me. Which is also to say that it is a good thing this recipe is so super easy and tasty because busy moms have enough to worry about.

Reading over the recipe, I was a little concerned about the mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise on a sandwich with some leftover turkey, but I’ve never had it cooked on the whole bird before. I was pleasantly surprised, however, that there was not any mayonnaise flavor at all to the finished turkey, even when I got bits of the mixture with the turkey on my fork. It just tasted like sweet onion, a bit of thyme and super moist turkey.

All you need to try this Super Moist Turkey Recipe for yourself is:

• 10 – 12 pound whole turkey
• 1 cup Hellmann’s® or Best Foods® Real Mayonnaise
• 1 large shallot or onion, chopped
• 1 Tbsp chopped fresh rosemary, sage and/or thyme (or one teaspoon dried)
• 1 envelope Knorr® Roasted Turkey gravy mix, prepared according to package directions

1. Preheat the oven to 425. Remove giblets and the turkey neck. (Don’t throw them out, though. When you are done with the turkey, you are totally going to want to have them for stock. I’ll share my recipe after we’re done eating all the turkey!) Season according to taste.

2. Combine Hellmann’s® or Best Foods® Real Mayonnaise, shallot or onion and herbs in a medium bowl and set aside. Then, starting at the neck, loosen the skin on the turkey and spread 1/2 of the mayonnaise mixture under the skin. (That part is kind of gross. Except I have an eight year old boy who thought that was about the coolest thing I ever let him do in his whole life.)

3. Arrange turkey, breast side up, in a large, shallow roasting pan. (I used my electric roaster and piled vegetables up around it.) Rub the remaining mayonnaise mixture over the outside of the turkey. Tent with heavy-duty aluminium foil.

Decrease oven to 325 and roast turkey 1 1/2 hours. Remove foil and continue roasting about an hour, basting occasionally with its juices, until it reaches an internal temperature of 180.

Let stand covered loosely for 20 minutes before carving. Serve with hot Knorr® Roasted Turkey gravy. And mashed potatoes, of course.

What is your favorite way to prepare turkey?

Just leave a comment to enter the sweepstakes from BlogHer and Hellmann’s® for a chance to win a $100 gift card to www.cooking.com!

Rules:

No duplicate comments.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

b) Tweet about this promotion, adding @hellmanns to the end, and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post

c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post

d) For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

For more opportunities to win, visit the Hellmann’s Round-up page on BlogHer.com to read other bloggers’ reviews!

But wait! There’s more! (I’ve always wanted to say that.)

You can also try for a chance at winning one of four $250 grocery gift cards each week! Just cast your vote for your favorite turkey recipe at Hellmanns.com to enter to win. If there are more than 10,000 entries, the prize value will double to a $500 grocery gift card!*

For more information on contest or Hellmann’s^®products and recipes, visit Hellmanns.com

*No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. The Hellmann’s Turkey Challenge is sponsored by Conopco, Inc., d/b/a Unilever. Open to legal residents of the 50 U.S. & D.C., 18 & older. Begins 12:00 a.m. ET on 9/12/11 & ends 11:59 p.m. ET on 12/5/11. For official rules, visit Hellmanns.com.

In a hurry, rushing about the house. Bug pours herself a bowl of cereal that could have fed three. LE can’t find her shoes. I’m trying to load the car for a craft show and the hour and a half I gave myself is running out fast.

“The laptop,” I say. “If you want to watch a movie, you better get the laptop.”

Mouse finds its case and begins unhooking the laptop. I help LE with a pair of shoes two sizes too big, direct Bug to find jackets and am interrupted by a shout.

“Look! Look what I found!”

And I turn to see all of Tiggy’s shoes lying on the table. My breath stops and for a moment, the rest of the room disappears.

Those shoes. All lined up neatly in pairs. And so many memories. Tiggy holding up his feet so proudly when I put on his first pair. Tiggy sitting on the floor, trying to put one on and not even getting his toes in properly. The endless searching whenever it was time to go somewhere because we could only ever find one. The heart-wrenching tears that flowed when the missing shoe turned up after the funeral and I knew the pair would never be separated again.

And now they’re lined up neatly in pairs because there isn’t anyone to drag them around and leave them in between the couch cushions or at the bottom of the toy box or under the bed.

Before I have a chance to recover from the shock, to draw a breath even, the children shout.

“Mookie! Mookie, you can wear these!”

And already they are on Micah’s feet. Because Micah needs his first pair of shoes. I just haven’t gotten to the store, yet.

I don’t know what I think, exactly, of seeing Tiggy’s shoes on Micah. But there is joy on the faces of all my other children, so I don’t say anything at all.

“They’re only things,” I tell myself as I strap him in his car-seat.

“They’re only things,” I tell myself as I feel myself begin to hyperventilate.

“They’re only things,” I tell myself as I fear what I will do if they get lost.

But they are only things. Things bought for one purpose that our now serving another. I want to hold on to the things and the memories, but children grieve differently. They want Tiggy’s things used. They share their brother with Micah by giving him Tiggy’s old things.

And the joy in their eyes holds my tears at bay while dulling the fear of losing something that belonged to my son. Because they are only things and my children’s joy is so much more precious.

The day passes, night comes, everyone goes to bed and I straighten up the house. I pick up a little shoe from under the table and can’t find the other. I’m not sure if it is in the car or if it even left the craft show. I can’t remember exactly when I last noticed both the shoes together.

So I stand in the front room, holding a little shoe that lost its mate and laugh. Truly laugh. Because these little shoes were meant to be shoved in toy-boxes and lost in the couch. My heart may be grieving the loss of one child, but there is still life in my house.

Life and joy and little shoes that can never stay in their pairs.

____________________________________________

Thank you so much to my readers who nominated me in two categories at the Homeschool Blog Awards: Favorite Homeschool Mom Blog and Best Nitty-Gritty Homeschool Blog. Take some time to check out the many wonderful nominations and cast your votes!

Sitting at a concert, only two minutes in and the tears have already begun to flow. I know this song. I’ve sung it with the kids in the car. They don’t really understand it, but it is a bounce around in your seatbelt while trying to sing along song and they like it. It isn’t normally the kind of song that would bring tears to your eyes.

Except I know what comes next.

” . . . I’ve been given more than Regis ever gave away . . . “

And I know that the man about to sing those words also lost a child. And I needed to hear those words. And I needed to hear them from someone who understood.

Since that night, I have talked to so many women who have lost a child. Some encourage me to keep breathing, keep walking, keep searching out the joy. Others look at me with a hint of panic in their eyes and tell me it never gets any better. I’ve talked to women who have asked for help listing reasons to stay in this world because they couldn’t come up with any of their own.

And only yesterday I found myself on the phone with police in a different state giving sketchy details about a woman I’ve never met because she had a date and a plan and I didn’t know what else to do.

And sometimes it scares me because I understand. I can see how this ache in my soul could grow and settle into a weariness of life.

But I don’t want it to. I fight against it. Even in my darkest hours when all the world seems to be crashing in, I have held on to the hope that there is another side. That the threads of my life that came unraveled that night can be gathered together again and woven into something new.

I needed to hear someone who had lost a child years before get up on stage and sing about how much they had been given.

Because I have been given more — so much more — than anything anyone could ever take away. I have been given a hope and a future.

I have been given His son. And with that, in time, my own.

______________________________

And the song, for those of you who just need to remember the rest of the words now.

Children finally to bed.

Orders to fill.

Emails to answer.

Dishes to wash.

Laundry to fold.

And still I sit and linger over my baby sleeping in my arms. I stroke his cheek, tickle his toes, hold his hand and kiss his forehead.

He turns one today.

He turns one and I don’t know quite what to feel.

A year ago, there was so much joy welcoming a new member to our family. And I still remember Tiggy walking into the hospital room to meet his baby brother for the first time. He was more interested in the snacks.

A year ago, there was so much fear as hour after hour passed and Micah was struggling to breathe. Late in the evening, he was finally moved to the NICU, to an incubator and poked full of lines and monitors and rather than the gurgly sound of struggled breathing, I sat up listening to beep after beep after beep. And I needed help to navigate all the wires just to hold him.

But now I hold him in my arms and he rests so peacefully. His breathing is slow and rhythmic. He is one year old today, and I hold his sleeping body and just watch him. Study him. Memorize him.

I watch him sleep like I did all my other children except him. For ten and a half months, I’ve laid him down to sleep and turned away. I couldn’t bear to look upon his features relaxed in sleep.

Because that night, ten and a half months ago, I saw another son lying on his death bed. Held him in my arms. Studied his features looking for him in the shadow of death. But with the life gone from his body, he no longer looked like himself. He could have been another child.

He could have been Micah. For when Micah’s features relaxed in sleep, he looked identical to his brother in death.

And I couldn’t bear to look.

But at one, his features have begun to change. And I can again watch him sleep.

So I sit, holding my infant son, trying to make up for almost a year of looking away and just watch him sleep.

Quite a few people noted an interest in starting Kumihimo after my post. I am getting ready to put in an order to replenish my supplies and can actually get the foam disk fairly competitively.

If you would be interested in ordering the disk from me for $5.00 (plus $2.oo shipping), let me know and I’ll order extra. I’ll gladly include some instructions to get you started (emailed pdf).

I can also sell Necklaces Braided on the Kumihimo Disk, by Karen DeSousa, for $15 (I’ll have to check on shipping). This is the book I’m using and I really enjoyed it. The instructions are clear with plenty of inspiration to get you excited about finishing off all these braids you will make. Your book will be new, however. I’m not selling mine.

And her second book, More Necklaces Braided on the Kumihimo Disk for $15.

And even ‘Kumi’ Braidingfor $7.50.

I can’t get the tama competitively enough to ask you to buy through me, but I can tell you where I got mine. If you are only making bracelets, however, they really aren’t necessary. On the Kumihimo disk, their only real function is to keep the cord from tangling. In my personal opinion, winding the tama isn’t worth it for a bracelet. You can also make your own. Even those little cardboard spools you get to hold embroidery floss would work.

And of course all profits will go to Tiggy’s House, which is the best part.

Let me know in comments or through my contact form if you are interested.  I would like to put my order in by Monday. (I don’t require payment before I order, just before I ship.)

Thanks! And please feel free to let anyone else know who you think might be interested.

_________________________

This post contains affiliate links, though mostly for reference purposes because I’d really rather you ordered those particular items through me. However, should you order anything through those links, I receive a small percentage, all of which is donated to Tiggy’s House.