My peonies have had buds for what seems like months, covered in ants looking for the sweet resin but never showing a single petal. I began to worry that something was wrong. I went to the internet and found that there were indeed things that would cause a peony to bud yet never bloom. I watched over them. Studied them every time I walked by on the way to or from the car. Wondered if I should do something . . .or simply wait. I waited. The peonies in town came into bloom. Those few that were as large as mine were so heavy with their blossoms they were leaning over and touching the ground. Still, I waited.

And just as I finally gave up, they burst forth in all their blossoming splendor.

I am reminded a bit of parenting. Of the time we put into our children. Cultivating interests, instilling character, watching for signs of growth. My son especially has been a challenge. He’s been removed from the Y, removed from nursery, removed from Sunday School, removed from AWANAs.

High praise from his teacher last year was,

“For him, he was good.”

Improvement is always good, but still not quite the report a mom wants to hear.

Two years ago, after a consultation with a Sunday School teacher, I confessed that his behavior was being evaluated by his pediatrician. No one thought he was to the point of needing medication, especially since he was homeschooled and we were able to control his environment a little better. Autism spectrum had been discussed but ruled out. Time and consistency were prescribed.

I walked away from the conversation torn. Part of me didn’t want to share the information. It was personal. Part of me wanted to hide behind some sort of professional diagnosis. Like some sort of proof that I wasn’t just a bad parent.

Between the biting, the pica, the hand licking . . . well, there has been a lot of prayers, a lot of tears and a lot of searching. Friends, acquaintances, strangers and even the internet all had suggestions. Some of them were good, others not so good. All of them assumed there was something we could do.

And we did try things. All sorts of things, it seems. But mostly, we waited.

The hardest part about parenting is that when you are in the middle of it, you have no real way of discerning who is right, or if anyone is right. When to “try harder,” or when to relax. When to change, or when to just wait. You’re parenting in the dark.

Now, he’s only seven. We do not yet know if he will fully blossom as we hope, nor even exactly what kind of blossom that might be. But I don’t worry about it as much. My stomach doesn’t knot up when I leave him in someone else’s care. I can bring him to a 4-H meeting and not wonder if I’m going to have to leave with him part way through. He may not exactly be “normal,” but he behaves well enough in his own high energy and determined sort of way that I finally feel like he is benefiting from group activities and not just a burden on teachers and other children.

I no longer feel like we are just treading water, trying to get through another day, fearing what the future holds for this boy I love so much.

Lord, I see many buds developing in this young man’s life. Look over them and help them to blossom.

parenting special needs

When I first heard the John Williamson song, The Shed, I thought it an odd subject for a folk song. After all, when he sings “Every Australian boy needs a shed…” I couldn’t help but think about a woodshed and we all know what happens when you take a boy out to the woodshed. And it’s not a subject for folk songs. But it isn’t at all what the song is about. It’s about needing a place to get away, be yourself and pursue your own projects even if the roof leaks and the whole thing sways on windy days.

A joint to learn to read an’ write, to work on his bike at night
To grow up as he likes, to grow anything under lights
A place to keep his tools, nuts and bolts and drills
To hang a hide, to hide the dry or hang to pay the bills

I think it is why children are drawn to building forts and clubhouses and tree houses. For as much as they like being underfoot, they also have a need to carve out their own space. Their own private space. It may be in the attic, under a stairwell or even under a blanket thrown over some chairs, but it is a place to get out from under the immediate influence of parents and be themselves.

My children have been busy claiming a closed off section of the hen house, a small room with the door boarded shut and a loft area that can only be accessed through a small window. The younger ones require a boost up and help down from the older ones and there is something so very touching watching the four of them work together to slip through. I don’t really know what goes on in there aside from a bit of hammering and occasional requests for scrap lumber, but it is their small space and they seem to get along much better when they escape there.

The next project is to clear a space for them in the barn to keep all their treasures. Snail shells, antler sheds, mouse skulls…all those delightful things children come across and cannot bear to part with despite the limited room for such things in the house.

So yeah, every boy (and girl) does need a shed. Or at least a small space they can carve out as their own if only for a little while.

Come to think of it, I think mom does, too.

Where do your children escape to? And how actively do you encourage that time to themselves?

For some reason, my children do not like playing in the snow.  They ignore me when I suggest they go outside and play.  They whine when the suggestions become stronger.  They grumble as they put on their snowsuits, and they do so only after being bribed with hot cocoa.  I think the problem is that our yard here in town just isn’t very interesting.  Uninterested in either snowmen or snow angels, mostly all they can do is trudge about, climb the drifts and try to toboggan down a drift with the bottom of an old guinea pig cage.

This has put a serious damper on my goal of raising all-weather children.  I don’t need a general practitioner to tell me that playing in the snow is good for you and getting a broken bone or two is all part of the fun of childhood. Apparently, I just needed five acres out in the country.

Before I even have the house unlocked, they have dragged out the toboggan and begun working on making a trail down the hill.  Mouse challenges herself by standing up and they keep a running tally of who has gone the furthest.  Impatient for a turn at the hill, one of them commandeers a carton from the bottled water and uses the plastic wrapped cardboard as a secondary toboggan.

I go in to paint, listening to the noises of them coming in and out of the basement.  They come in just long enough to defrost their fingers and toes before the call of the great outdoors lures them out once again.  I smile as I listen to their screams of delight and think this is what childhood should be.

I finish my painting and grab the camera to take a picture of their rosy faces lit up by the thrill of play.  But this is all I find.

They’ve hiked down to their fort to see how it has stood up to the snow storms and escape the wind themselves.  I go back to my painting until the sun hangs low on the horizon.  They come in for a snack and are upset to find me getting ready to leave.

“Ten more minutes,” I tell them.

And they race outside.  Apparently, jumping off hills trumps dinner any day.

In the morning, in our little house in town, I suggest they go out and play in the snow.

“Do we have to?” they complain.

No, my children do not like to play in the snow.  Such a shame.

Somehow, there is a new level of risque attained when you slap sexual messages on a four month old. I’m still trying NOT to picture this sweet little cherub

kicking about in a T-shirt with “I’m living proof my mum is easy” slapped on the front. Even if he does have four siblings, it does not seem to be the place for opening that kind of cultural dialogue. After all, what is a T-shirt slogan, if not a sort of pre-Twitter medium for expressing your message quickly, succinctly and to a broad audience?

Katherine Hamnett, whose T-shirts The Guardian credits with becoming the cultural signposts of our times, says of the medium:

“I wanted to put a really large message on T-shirts that could be read from 20 or 30ft away,” she says now. “Slogans work on so many different levels; they’re almost subliminal. They’re also a way of people aligning themselves to a cause. They’re tribal. Wearing one is like branding yourself.” The Guardian

Aligning yourself to a cause. Connecting yourself to other people. Branding yourself. You have five seconds and the passing eye of a distracted stranger.

From: Despair, Inc.

What do you want to tell the world about your cause and yourself?

Maybe “The Condom Broke”?  Or “I’m a t*** man.”  (Without the asterisks, of course.)  Or how about “I’m bringing sexy back”?  On an infant!

Julee Gale, director of Kids Free 2b Kids, bought some items at Cotton On Kids (I presume for education purposes) and is outraged by the messages carried by these shirts that may be conveyed to young people.

“I reckon there should be a penalty and there needs to be an awareness campaign with retailers about what’s appropriate and what’s actually harmful,” she said.

“They don’t get that it’s . . . harmful. It’s all part of a continuum of sexualisation of kids. It’s about the mental health of our children.” Herald Sun

But is it really the retailers that need education? What if, in response to this collection, Australia decides to regulate the messages that can be printed on t-shirts marketed to or for youth? Would anything really change? The items on the rack at your local department store are, after all, an effect of the culture we live in, not the cause of it. Certainly there is a bit of a circular relationship between marketers and the market, especially when the marketers are successful in attaching their products to other things already sought after (think High School Musical merchandising!).

But a T-shirt slogan? For this collection to become a colossal flop would speak loudly and clearly to Cotton On and other clothing manufacturers and retailers about the inappropriateness of both the message and the medium. Rallying family groups? Not so long as the collection is turning a profit.

The collection bothers me. That product designers, marketing directors and retailers wanted to design, advertise and sell this collection bothers me.

But really it is the fact that there are parents who are willing to buy them that bothers me most. Your child is not your vehicle for sexual-expression.

t-shirt Cotton On Cotton On Kids

Grandparents in West El Paso, Texas left their five grandchildren home alone while they ran into town to “take care of some business.”  The eldest was thirteen, the youngest four.  They never expected to receive a call there at the IRS from the fire department telling them they had to come home.

They never expected their house to catch on fire.  Fortunately, all five children were rescued, with the eldest being taken to the hospital to be treated for smoke inhalation.  She was upstairs, where the fire began, but is expected to recover fully.

Hopefully we can all agree that the fact that this couple was homeschooling these children is fully irrelevant, but it does bring up the question of supervision.  At least to the local news channel reporting on the story.

But some may say that 13 years old is too young to be a babysitter for four other kids.

According to Texas law, there is no specific age said to be too young to be left home, and each child and situation should be taken into consideration.There is a law, however, that defines something called neglectful supervision. A law that states a child should not be put in a situation that a reasonable person would realize requires better judgment and maturity than the child has. KFOX14

I’ll play that “reasonable person,” but there are too many other questions in my mind that would need to be answered before I could definitively say that this thirteen year old lacked the judgment and maturity to be put into this situation.

1. How long were the adults intending on being away? An hour or two?  Most of the day?
2. How old were the other children? We know the youngest was four, but a twelve year old could help and a ten year old could be responsible more or less for him or herself.  Just knowing the age of the eldest and the youngest leaves me a tad suspicious that the reporter is trying to stir controversy where perhaps none need be.  But I’m just suspicious that way.
3. How mature is the thirteen year old? I’ve known thirteen year olds who were quite capable and responsible and full grown adults I wouldn’t trust with my puppy.  I would hope that the grandparents would be better judges of her maturity level than any arbitrary age level.
4. What are the relationships between the children like? I wouldn’t leave my ten year old with any of them just yet, but I’d sooner leave her alone with her two sisters and baby brother than with just her six year old brother.  He is “active” and they do not get along very well.
5. What about the neighbors? If you know your neighbors and your children have some place to go in an emergency, the situation looks a lot different.  Especially if those neighbors know the children are home alone and are keeping an eye out on the house.

Here in Nebraska, you can send your eleven year old to the Y or to the American Red Cross to earn their babysitter’s certificate, even though I have a hard time imagining leaving my daughter responsible for another child at that age.  But just because I wouldn’t do it doesn’t mean it constitutes neglect.  It reminds me a bit of the discussion last spring surrounding the columnist who allowed her nine year old son to navigate the Subway system to get home.  Alone.  In New York City!  My first reaction to that story was a resounding “She did what?!”  But I was born and raised in the Midwest and I would be uncomfortable navigating the NYC Subway system alone.  This child, on the other hand, has grown up with it.

There was a time when a thirteen year old girl could expect to marry soon, have children and raise her own family.  This, in fact, still happens in parts of the world.  And young Sarah Noble was but eight when she left with her father to explore the wilderness and cook for him.  Granted, these children had/have a far different upbringing than most of our suburban youth.  Today, they would probably be placed in protective custody.

But I still wonder.  Was this couple neglectful in leaving their grandchildren home alone?  Or has our culture artificially extended childhood by becoming too overprotective of children?

Przybylinksi parenting homeschool neglect

I don’t really know what “good enough” parenting is.  Maybe it is a British thing, but apparently it is something of enough concern to the UK that the government funded some research which concluded that better parenting leads to better adjusted children.

‘The notion of “good enough” parenting may seem ideal in today’s hectic world, yet the reality is that “good enough” parents will most likely produce “good enough” children at best.  MailOnline

There really are no startling revelations in this study, at least as it was reported.  Except maybe that you can get government money for this kind of thing, but that is hardly a surprise, either.  One little part caught my attention, however.

The Good Childhood Inquiry recently claimed a culture of ‘excessive individualism’ among adults was to blame for many of children’s problems.

It said 30 per cent of adults in the UK disagreed with the statement that ‘parents’ duty is to do their best for their children even at the expense of their own well-being’.  (Ibid. emphasis mine)

Thirty percent?  Forgive me, but if you are not ready for making some sacrifices for the well-being of your children, you are not ready for the responsibility associated with caring for another human being who will be wholly dependent on you.  I’m sorry, but if you want to get a dog, you need to be ready to make some sacrifices or you should get a stuffed one.

Here, I’ve only heard the discussion framed in terms of how much is too much.  Like, at what point have you sacrificed so much for the well-being of your children that you are actually doing them harm?  An instructor I had in college, for example, argued that while staying at home with children is a good and noble thing, a mother doing so who was unhappy in this role would do her and her children a favor to put them in daycare and get a job.

Are we really that distant from our own children that almost one third don’t seem to agree that we should put the best interests of our children before our own?  And if true, what does that say for our future?

Hat Tip: Are We There Yet?

parenting culture

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Howard Ahmanson is switching parties?

Also, check out the Carnival of Homeschooling!

So Much Straw recently addressed one of my deepest fears as a homeschooling parent, and one I have heard echoed in many conversations with other homeschoolers.

What if it doesn’t work?

We all want what is best for our children.  We’ve made the sacrifice to educate them at home.  Others make the financial sacrifice to send their children to private school.  And many live in houses well beyond their means with scarcely any furniture in order to live in the right district.  Wrapped up in the decisions we make regarding education are all of our hopes for our children’s futures, from knowledge to careers, from income to character.  We want what is best for them and routinely make genuine sacrifices to give them the best start possible.  But still…

What if it isn’t enough?

There are no guarantees in parenting.  But to have a child turn around and blame you, your best intentions and your hardest work for their problems?

My dear daughter is obsessed with getting back to her social life. Her social life, and all the anxiety and obsession that come with being a “modern” teen in a non-Christian setting, was one of the things that launched her into an eating disorder. Yet just a few short months ago, she was so THANKFUL I had homeschooled her, and she hadn’t had to deal with the hell of middle school.

The problem is, what child does not blame their parents for their problems?  And what parent doesn’t hear the accusations of “It’s not fair!” and “But her parents…” and think of all the mistakes he or she made?

What about all the times:

• I lost my temper?
• Didn’t have time?
• Was distracted by other things?
• Didn’t take the “little” problems of the day seriously enough?

Of course, no parent is perfect, but it is easy to think of our own shortcomings and blame ourselves when our children are confronted by obstacles, make wrong choices or otherwise struggles in ways we would prefer them not to.

I used to think this was a peculiarity of the homeschool movement.  There are so many promises out there that if you follow this curriculum, this program, this philosophy, your children will not turn away.  But then I heard an advertisement for “The Total Transformation” and realized this message is everywhere.

Because in our hearts, we want to believe it.  We want to believe that if we just tried a little harder, did things a little differently and followed just the right program our children would have the better life we would like to lay out for them.

Sometimes I remind myself that even in the Garden, with a perfect parent and a perfect environment, Adam and Eve still chose the wrong path.  Even with God himself warning that sin was knocking at his door, Cain committed a horrific crime.  Even after walking with Jesus for three years, the disciples fled the evening Christ was taken.

This isn’t to say that I shouldn’t strive to be a better parent, or that we don’t have a definite positive (and negative) effect on the lives our children will one day lead.  But it reminds me of just that…I am preparing them to lead their life.  They cannot lead the life I choose for them, even if all sense and reason would show that my way is better.  I cannot force them to make good choices or create a safety net so strong that they never feel the pain of being pushed back or held down from their goals.

I can only help them build a foundation to stand upon, and hope that helps them to weather the storms of life.

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The Homeschool Blog Awards are open for voting.  When I checked the Current Events, Opinion or Politics category, I was so far ahead in the polling I’m not sure why everyone else hadn’t already conceded.  Maybe they were hoping more than four people would vote?  Happy voting!

homeschool homeschooling parenting

What’s the matter with kids today?  Well, Chris Erskine of the LA Times shares some thoughts, anyway.  I think we are supposed to relate…hopefully you don’t, really, but I did struggle to not spew forth my mouthful of Assam over Erskine’s observation that perhaps there might be a better way.

“Maybe we should home-school him,” I tell Posh after the first week.

“Spl-WHATTTTT?!!!” Posh says, doing a spit-take with her first mimosa of the day.

And that was hilarious.  For those of you who are new here, or have perhaps forgotten, I’ll share my favorite homeschool criticism of all time.

You people don’t know like you know how to have fun. How sad? No mamoosas with the other moms while the kids are out at school.  Structure and Learning in the Homeschool Environment (comment #27)

‘Cause moms just wanna have fun.  And you can’t do that without a Mimosa or two, I guess.  Maybe that is why Crimson Wife went ahead and made us one.

And for those of you who seriously are looking for a “better way,” I’ll be interviewing Kelly Curtis about her book Empowering Youth today on Home School Talk.  Tune in a 1PM CST, or listen to the archive which will be available shortly after the broadcast from the same link.

kids teenager parenting education homeschool youth empowerment