How do you alienate Christians and make a mockery of conservatives in a single act?  Undertake a new Bible translation!  The Conservative Bible will allow you to read the Bible without those annoying liberal verses such as these:

• John 7:53-8:11 We all know Jesus wouldn’t have stopped a good stoning.  You’d think he actually had some use for sinners, or something.  Clearly an addition of ACORN.

• Luke 23:34 Forgive them?  I don’t know how anyone could read the bible and think that Jesus praying for forgiveness of those who are persecuting Him is at all consistent with the text.  He probably said something more like “Strike their children and their children’s children with blindness.”

• Luke 16:8 OK, so they are leaving it, but the dishonest servant is to be praised as resourceful rather than shrewd.  Got to leave out that negative connotation associated with someone who just ripped off his master to win himself friends.

• We also know that no one but a communist would use the word “comrade.”  There are three verses in Judges that need editing.  I think Obama must have had plants in the committee to write the English Standard Version, just to warm us up to his radical socialist agenda.  I speak no Hebrew, but my Strong’s tells me the word used there can also mean “lover” or “husband.”  Much better person for Gideon to be talking to about his dreams.

• John 1:1 The use of the word word is too complicated for conservatives.  It will be re-worded as truth.  Strong’s must have been influenced by those liberals as well, because it doesn’t even give “truth” as a possible translation of logos.  It is all about thought and reason and expression.  But we wouldn’t want anyone to think too hard about what it all means or they might become communists.

• Isaiah 9:6-7, Isaiah 22:21 and 2 Peter 2:10 What’s this nonsense about the government being on His shoulders? Those translators were getting all to cozy with government.  And 2 Peter 2:10 is downright obnoxious.  “Despising government” should not be in the same list of sins as presumptuous, self-willed and uncleanness.

• Oh, and by the way, the Hebrew and Greek were inadequate for Christ to explain what He really meant in numerous places, so we need to take the liberty of expounding upon His rough attempts at speaking using the accurate rhetoric of the modern American conservative movement.

While we are at it, I think we should set up a new missions board.  I am afraid that the subtext of Jesus as the way the truth and the life has taken on far too much importance in the field and has begun to overshadow the god of American capitalism.

Hat Tip: Caffeinated Thoughts

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