family, Grief

A lullaby for the soul

Sitting in the rocking chair, holding little Asa. I trace the outline of his sleeping face, stroke his cheek and unwind from the day. A pang of sorrow for the pregnancy so recently lost and overwhelming thankfulness for the warmth of his cheek against my chest. It is good to have a few moments to reflect. To cherish what is…

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family, Grief

I had a miscarriage

A week before Christmas, we got quite the surprise. We found out we were pregnant again. It wasn’t planned. I was pretty sure little Asaroo was our last. But every life is a gift and I cherished the thought of the little surprise growing within me. We talked about our little surprise, our little secret. And the kids just thought…

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Grief

Time slips by

Sometimes, I wish time could stand still. Slow down just a little bit. I feel like it races by. Days turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months. Mookie just had his fifth birthday. And it’s less than six weeks until his brother died. And I know grammatically, that doesn’t make any sense. But it is how I feel in the…

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family, Grief

Milestones in life and in grief

“He’s so cute. How old is he?” “18 months. About. I think.” I hesitate, but suddenly I don’t know. It seems like he’s been 18 months forever. I make a joke. “With my oldest, I knew to the day. After seven, I know he’s one. And when he’ll be two. But I have to work out the months.” And we…

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faith, Grief

On giving advice to the grieving

I’ve been given a lot of advice over the past few years. Most of it amounts to how I should be feeling, how I should be parenting and how I should be looking to Jesus since the death of my son. Most of it is annoying. I am left with a vague desire to say something. Because, really, there ae…

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Grief

Sleepless nights

Minutes tick by. Hours drag on. This anxiety in my chest settles in and makes me restless. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. It’s a familiar feeling normally reserved for stormy nights when the wind howls through the trees. Nebraska has enough of them, you’d think I’d eventually get over it. That this sense of impending doom would lighten as…

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Grief

An answer to prayer

I sit, holding Asa, watching him sleep. Mookie leans over to give him a kiss. I smile . . . then shudder. For it occurs to me that this is how old Mookie was when his big brother died. And I remember a moment a few days before that. I was sitting on the couch takinng off Mookie’s wallaby blanket…

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