I am going to do something I decided I wasn’t going to do here on this blog and say, “Wow. It’s been awhile since I’ve writen anything! Sorry about that!” Normally when I go long stretches without writing, it is because I’m struggling.
I have different kinds of struggles. There are those waves of grief that take me off guard, that leave me feeling like I can’t breathe, that bring tears that seem to have no end. Sometimes those actually motivate me to write, however. To process and reflect and write.
But recently, I’ve felt a little more self-conscious about anything I write. What else is there to say?
Guess what? It really sucks to lose a child.
Guess what? It still really sucks to lose a child.
Guess what? I really don’t like this any more now than I did almost two years ago.
But since September, it’s been a different sort of struggle. And in a lot of ways, it is harder. I don’t think about it that much. I don’t really cry, at least not very often. My anxiety level is low; my insomnia is worse; my ability to do things is greater but my will to do them is almost nonexistant. I just feel so . . . apathetic.
And I hate that.
But for the last two weeks, I’ve just been busy. Getting ready for the Christmas season and filling out my stock for the last craft shows of the year. Getting the puppies ready to go home and answering countless questions about the litter, taking hundreds of pictures and hours of video to help people make decisions on puppies from Utah and Minnesota, Missouri and Kansas. A whirlwind trip to Denver to deliver a puppy who has started his early training to become an alpine rescue dog. Clearing brush and fallen trees in exchange for the wood to heat our home.
And tumbling into bed each night, exhausted and hoping this is preparing me to tackle what I have planned for next summer. When my dream garden is planted and our first calf means daily milking.
And I have so much to write about. But each day I think I’ll get to it tomorrow. And watch a show instead because I’m too tired to put my thoughts into words.