As we come up on the second anniversary of Tiggy’s death, I’ve been thinking a bit about where I am in this whole grief journey thing.
I know things are better because I can do things I couldn’t do even a year ago. Thinking about the future no longer takes away my ability to breathe. I can sit down and make a plan, though following through is still a little shaky. I can make simple decisions and no longer feel like the world is crashing down around me when the children all start asking me for things.
And I know things are better because I’m beginning to feel just a little impatient. I want to be able to set goals and meet deadlines and not feel like I am at the mercy of this emotional state that remains completely unpredictable.
I have days where I am incredibly energetic. I get things done and organized and planned. I pick up the pieces of the dreams we once had and think about where we were going with this land, with our homeschooling and with our own health and I start laying out plans to get everything back on track.
It looks so nice on paper.
But then life gets in the way. The day greets me with my seven year old handing me a heart shaped paper and a pen because she has a story she wants me to write.
My Brother Tiggy
“When I said “apple,” my little brother Tiggy said “apple” and ran to the refrigerator. When I said “nany,” he ran to the cabinet and said, “nany.” But one day it was sad. Tiggy got smashed. I drew pictures of Hello Kitty crying and said she couldn’t talk because she was so sad.”
And though she may hop down from my lap and go back to playing, my mind will stay there with my son who got smashed. I will be stuck replaying the images of that night in my head and worse yet, I will be stuck wishing I could take those images and that hurt from my children. And suddenly, it doesn’t really matter what my plans are for the day.
Then I fall behind and falling behind brings up those feelings of failure that I have been wrestling with since the day I lost my son.
And I realize that all these plans are not really helping.
So I finally took a step back and rather than focusing on this big picture of where we are headed, I considered the hard days. What could I do to make them a little easier so that it doesn’t feel so much like the entire day comes grinding to a halt whenever the unexpected pays a visit?
And I actually found some answers. So far, it is helping – – so much so, in fact, that I thought perhaps some of it may be of some use to someone else. So for the next unspecified period of time, I have committed to write an undetermined number of posts sharing some of the ways we have decided to take some of the stress out of homeschooling and healthier living.
I might even come up with some pithy title and call it a series, except that there’s that issue with follow through and I am a little more committed to not putting any extra unnecessary stress on myself than I am to any sort of “31 days to a better everything.”
And I guess that would be take away #1: Define what is most important and commit to not stressing over what only seems important at the moment.
And if you have any ideas to simplify life, please feel free to share in comments or in the nifty link-up. I’ll try to put up another one next Friday, as well.