A manilla envelope arrives in the mail.
“What is it, Mommy? Can I open it?”
A chorus of voices leaps around me.
“No, it’s nothing exciting. Just our homeschool paperwork.”
I open it to show them.
KEEP THIS DOCUMENT – THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL ACKNOWLEDGMENT LETTER
Nothing exciting. But I dare not tell my children how little I’m looking forward to this school year.
I’m holding on, but with a constant nagging feeling that my children deserve more than a mom who is just hanging on. As I look over the papers to be sure that no further information is being requested, I think I catch a glimpse of why the last week has been so difficult for me.
Mattias has been heavy on my mind. I’ve spent more time sitting on the porch looking at the cedars that mark the northern edge of the cemetary. I’ve spent more time with my head resting on the neck of my puppy. I’ve spent more time just trying to keep it together.
Because last week we bought school supplies and amidst the excited squeals of the children over all the new things, all I could think of was how Mattias wasn’t going to be there to bite the tips off the markers, crash his cars into the marker board, and run away with handfulls of letter tiles.
And then there’s this paperwork. Every year it leaves me struggling to put together a scope and sequence that I think will satisfy the state since I write my own curriculum for most subjects.
At least until this year. This year the paperwork was easy.
Bible – well, I actually didn’t think they cared so I didn’t bother, but we’ll be working through a devotional I bought.
Spelling - All About Spelling.
Math – Right Start.
Science – Apologia
Everything else – TRISMS, though I’ll be using the Hillsdale Academy reference guide rather heavily to organize what we’re doing.
I’m ordering all my books. I’m putting them in order on the shelves. And then I’m planning on getting through this school year by turning the page and doing whatever it says to do next.
But I don’t really want to just get through the year. I want to be here, with my children, teaching them and learning from them. I want to be a family learning together. So we’ll be starting off the school year with a little family meeting to try to figure out how to achieve our goals together but with a little lighter load on mom.
And then we’ll turn to page one.
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I homeschool my children on a small hobby farm in rural Nebraska and write about life more abundantly, from the joy of a baby's smile to the almost unbearable grief of losing a son while seeking beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3)
Our prayers are with you. I can’t imagine having to start a new year without a child. However, you are all your children need. They are growing with your love and care everyday. The academics are not as important at this time.
Blessings,
Dawn
Our reasons are different, but I have been doing what’s on the next page for awhile now. And, you know what? It is fun. Writing scopes and sequences, learning objectives and gathering books and supplies? I didn’t like that when I was teaching professionally. I would way rather play with my kids.
I pray for you often.
Thank you, Dawn. And yes, the academics are less important.
Julie, I always enjoyed writing lesson plans and researching what to teach next. This year I wasn’t particularly looking forward to it, though, and I knew it would never actually get done.
Love, hugs, and prayers. I imagine your feelings are 110% justified and okay…at least you’re honest enough to admit it.
I’ve always been amazed that you write your own curriculum.. I did for Kindergarten.. but that was KINDERGARTEN. I’ve never tried beyond that because, quite frankly, my husband would have never accepted that we were getting everything we needed. And I’ve always been able to find resources that we were pleased with (or abandon the ones that we weren’t.)
I just want to say that you CAN be there, WITH them, learning TOGETHER, even while turning the page and doing what it says to do. And maybe the beginning of the year is herky jerky and maybe there are more moments where it is more rote and less alive and maybe there are days where you just need to go down the checklist on the page. That’s okay. Because there’s more to life than learning math and science. There’s a whole lot more.
By the way, I love Apologia science. We sat down and read it together on the couch, like a family storytime, and even the 5 year old learned a lot about astronomy. We didn’t do very many of the science experiments because I really failed in that department. But to me, the fact that he crawled up in my lap to look at the pictures and hear the story (when the rest of school didn’t really interest him) was a victory for me. So you can definitely be together, learning together, living the learning, with great books like Apologia. And also with great history books, too. Persevere through the tougher and duller moments, cherish the good ones. Hugs.
Oh Dana, my heart goes out to you. I can’t say I know how you feel. I will say this…you being there for your kids and continuing to push on … it will be enough. They are still hurting too and you all will get through this together. Whether it’s your curriculum or prepackaged – they will continue to learn. And they will also heal. You will heal. You know the saying “fake it til you make it” that’s what you need to do. Keep being there until one day you are truly *there*. I’m praying for you and your family.
Thanks, Amber. I really am happy with the things I’ve chosen at the moment, and we were going to be doing this with Mouse this year anyway as I feel less confident in my ability to pull middle school stuff together.
I don’t know if it really matters — last year I was excited about purchasing Right Start and All About Spelling and feeling like I finally found something similar to what I was trying to do but with less work for me.
Trying to look at Apologia and the addition of a history text the same way, but I guess I’m just not in that frame of mind.
Thank you, Lesley. I know it is more important that I am just available to them . . . part of why I didn’t want to be spending a lot of time researching curriculum, though I’m planning some writing anyway.
You are in my prayers as you start this school year.
Yes, so smart to be able to keep turning the page on learning, while accepting the extra effort is now reserved for getting through the day.
When my mother became a widow with six children under the age of 12, she learned from someone, and passed this on to me, when I lost some dear people in my life, not to make major decisions or changes in the first year of grief.
For example, I wanted to move from the area and change jobs after my friend died, but Mom said, No, you remain in place for a year. No painting the living room, no changing hair styles, no major purchases: the first year is the first year and there is no way around it. (I live by the book, Going on a Bear Hunt [I was a preschool teacher when my friend died and this paraphrase helped so much, "can't go under it, can't go around it, we must go through it ..."]).
This first year you stay in the soft neck of the puppy longer; looking up at the stand of trees lining the cemetery–and, of course, for as many years as you need, as the loss of someone we love knows no time–but the weight of September is lessened with your wisdom to find a way to turn the pages.
I join the others to say I keep you and your family in my prayers.
My prayers will be with you. Though I don’t have the heaviness of loss that you do, I’m starting my first year of homeschool with a feeling of screwing it all up and ruining everything. But I know God holds me and my boys in his hands, and while I’m praying for you I’ll be praying for us too.
Thank you for being so transparent and real.
~hugs dana. please know that you are always close in my thoughts. i “met” you the the Dixons when all was fresh and i have wept with you and for you many times. i so wish i had some magic words but i don’t. i am so sorry. i will pray for a good school year. and for the stars to shine brightly again.
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take it one day at a time, doing the next thing. i know that God will have those surprising moments of joy and healing tucked into your day!
i remember starting back to school with an empty desk and unused crayon box, school a little too quiet and easy, not how things should be. there will be tears, but God’s grace will abound even more, dana! keep plugging away… your heart will join your hands in time.
much love and prayers for you, my precious friend.
Hi Dana. One page at a time is probably a good way to approach your coming year. W/ that planning done for you to an extent, it’s all the more you can just focus on those little faces. You’ve made great choices, I like the texts you’ve got. Lot of hugs and prayers to you all.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dana, my thoughts and prayers are with you this school year.
Dana,
I visited here around the time of the accident and wept and prayed for you. Then I couldn’t find you again but have prayed for you ever since. Found you again today through a homeschool site. Your honest thoughts are so refreshing. May I just venture a statement that your children’s hearts are healing too and that one page at a time one day at a time is perhaps all they can handle too? Were you able to jump back in & run full tilt a part one one of your children’s hearts may not heal properly. God’s knowledge and plans are just as complete for you they were a year ago. He needs you to be here where you are today. In other words, from the little I see you are doing a great job being the you God planned for you to be, keep up the good work!
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