LE got a rabbit.
From a friend of a friend, my little girl received her first pet. Sally. We made her a home next to the porch, as close to having her indoors as we could without actually bringing her into the house. There she was for treats and attention on the way to the car. There she was for treats and attention on the way to the garden. There she was for a little extra something when LE left her to pick mulberries by the barn.
There she was to be read to while Mom made breakfast.
There the roof of the porch protected her hutch from the rain and the house protected her from the wind. Or so I thought.
But a storm . . . a real storm . . . with 60 mph winds and a wall of water drew me to the window where I saw the hutch on its side and pieces of it thrown about the lawn. My heart sank and I felt sick to my stomach.
“Oh, please Lord . . .”
But I didn’t get very far in the prayer. Because it is just a rabbit. And as much as I love that little bunny and as hard as it will be to tell little LE in the morning, it is hard to pray for the safety of a rabbit when my son’s grave is being soaked in the very same storm.
“Oh, please Lord . . .”
I’m not sure I got much further that night. I cried out to the Lord, but there weren’t a lot of words. My thoughts weren’t any more coherent than my speech when all I seemed to be able to tell dispatch was my address. Over and over and over.
“Oh, please Lord . . .”
Thinking of LE, I began again and stepped out into the storm. With flashes making the night as bright as day, thunder echoing in my chest and tears mixing with the deluge pouring forth from the heavens, I walked outside to pick up the hutch.
Empty. Except for the little dish of clover LE had picked her bunny before bedtime, the hutch was empty.
I was already soaked. I looked up at the storm and thought it might be smarter to go to the basement than to search for a rabbit in the dark in a storm that picked up her hutch and threw it. I thought maybe I’d bring Micah down to the basement and come back out because maybe she didn’t go far. And I had to try. So wishing things had turned out a little differently on the wings of a similar prayer, I began again.
“Oh, please Lord . . . “
Turning toward the house, I almost tripped over Sally as she climbed on my feet in the dark in a storm where all I could see was the outline of the world with every flash.
And that left me with a rabbit in a laundry basket and a weight so heavy on my chest it leaves me gasping for breath between the sobs overtaking my body.
Because really, I just want to trade.
I homeschool my children on a small hobby farm in rural Nebraska and write about life more abundantly, from the joy of a baby's smile to the almost unbearable grief of losing a son while seeking beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3)
And she loved a litte boy very, very much
He has partaken of the ‘Tree of Life’ for the Word of the Lord is sure!
funny thing is… “oh Please Lord’ is pretty much all you ever need
And just so everyone knows, I am doing considerably better this morning. I’m always agitated during storms now, anyway, because the wind was just so strong that day in December. But this morning my little LE is cooing over her bunny and telling all her siblings what happened and how God protected her bunny.
I am glad to know you’re faring better this morning. I don’t know what to say, except that I read what you write, it moves me, and my heart and prayers go out to you. I find myself thinking of your strength very often. I have a different loss, but still find myself wishing for a trade. God bless you.
One day… Priaise God… we will get to trade this painful TEMPORAL existance for REAl eternal life…together forever with those who have gone on ahead of us! Thank you Jesus!!
I’m glad you are doing better. It sure puts things into perspective.
Prayers are with you.
Many prayers that your family continues to put all the different pieces together in a positive way.
I am so sorry to hear about your son. So glad you were able to find the rabbit though.
I’m very happy that the rabbit is okay. Of course you would trade a rabbit for Tiggy, and so would LE…but I’m glad she didn’t have to lose her pet to something falling over, just as she lost her brother. I’m sure the rabbit provides some therapy for her little heart that is full of big grief.
It was so nice to find the bunny. Especially when it seems like everything that can go wrong with our animals is going wrong, it was nice to just have it hop up to me in the dark like that. And LE is so happy.
Grief is just strange, though. I never would have expected to react to finding a rabbit the same way as losing most of my ducks. But I think sometimes the sorrow needs an outlet and that outlet doesn’t have to make sense.
I read your blog regularly and I never comment. I want to thank you for being so real. For sharing your pain and for sharing your joy.
I am a mom to several children as well and reading the last few days blog’s has just gotten to me. My heart is broken, for different reasons than yours, but broken none the less. Seeing you cry out to God and being REAL about what you are feeling, gives me hope.
Thank you. Don’t stop being real. May God continue the slow healing of your and my broken hearts.
That’s why there is the old saying
“the straw that broke the camels back”
It’s certainly not that the camel can’t carry a very light piece of straw. Just that it was the tipping point – there is always a tipping point and once you reach it…even a lost bunny can put you over the edge. Something that should be quite easy to carry.
I hear you.
“I think sometimes the sorrow needs an outlet and that outlet doesn’t have to make sense.”
I think you’re absolutely right, Dana. If it doesn’t find those outlets, it can do a lot of damage over time, too. And that’s all I know. There isn’t really anything that makes it more comfortable or easier to take. It just is what it is.
I’m so sorry for the pain…. but I’m glad that prayer comes easily… and sometimes, the answers to those prayers come in unexpected form…
I hope this won’t sound arrogant or pretentious for me to say, but I just want you to know that one of the ways God has answered some of your prayers is in your writing… over the time that I’ve been reading your blog, your skills at writing have just grown better and better… and what you have to say is important, so i’m glad!
God bless you…
God cares about the smallest sparrow and knows the number of hairs on our head, He does care about our all of the details in our lives, both big and small. when i get hard of heart and in a callous mood, i have to be careful to not become cynical over this truth and to not gloss over the concerns of others when my flesh might scream “that doesn’t really matter! let me tell you what matters!” it’s a good thing morning comes after the night… why do things always seem better in the morning?
i am glad bunny is back! when your child’s heart hurts, you hurt.
MarshaMarshaMarsha´s last [type] ..10wks 4days and I am unfun.
I cannot imagine how heavy your heart must feel, numb would seem better but it isn’t. I just know He is so very close to you and He will continue helping you breathe in and out. Praying!
I Live in an Antbed´s last [type] ..Just When We Thought Things Couldn’t Get Any More Exciting . . .
Dana,
The Lord has written your family on my heart. Truly, I am praying everyday for you.
Love in Christ,
Linda