Fighting, crying and me stepping away from it all for just a moment marks a difficult end to a difficult week. Or is it two? It is hard to keep track when everything seems to be falling apart and even garden weeds bring me to tears.
Everything seems to be falling apart and I need to pick up the pieces. But I don’t want to pick up the pieces. I’m exhausted. I want to retreat. I want to give up.
I. Am. Done.
Everything seems to be falling apart and I don’t even know how to pick up the pieces.
“You guys, why don’t you pick a book. We can go downstairs and I’ll read to you.”
I choose to escape. To put the whirlwind behind us and just cuddle and read until smiles replace the tears and sleep replaces the hurt.
But my eldest hands me Tear Soup
["He would have liked this."]
["Who?']
["You know . . . the one who died."]
Almost five months later and those words still haunt my thoughts. Handing me that book was about as close as she has ever come to saying, “Mom, we need to talk.”
But I want to retreat.
“Why don’t you guys go get your pajamas on.”
And for the next few minutes, I just try to breathe. Then I open the book.
“There once was an old and somewhat wise woman whom everyone called Grandy. She just suffered a big loss in her life . . .”
And so begins a conversation on loss and suffering, anger and sorrow, tears and grace. We talk about all the horrible feelings we have and remember for a moment that all of us are struggling with strong feelings and deep hurts and we don’t always know how to deal with them.
And I tell them that sometimes when Daddy yells at little girls for accidentally breaking the screen on the brand new storm door and throws their picnic on the porch away, he isn’t really mad at them or about the door.
I tell them that whenever they hear Daddy yell, “Nothing in this house ever goes right . . .” he is really saying, “Losing Tiggy is more than I can bear.”
Then they pray for Daddy’s heart. And I retreat to my room where I scoop up my puppy, bury my head in his fur and cry out all the tears I have to give.
____________________
Disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link from which I could potentially earn money from should anyone actually purchase anything through it. All proceeds from such sales are donated to Tiggy’s House.
I homeschool my children on a small hobby farm in rural Nebraska and write about life more abundantly, from the joy of a baby's smile to the almost unbearable grief of losing a son while seeking beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3)
my heart hurts so much for you. may you have the peace of God today and always.
michelle´s last [type] ..disturbed…
You’re a rock Dana always being there for your children. I know how everyone leans on “mom” for everything she sooths all hurts, has all the answers and it is incredibly overwhelming. I remember getting to the point where I had to ask myself who soothes mom?
I felt incredibly selfish because i has such enormous emotional needs that were not being met and here I was in the position of the provider of needs not the recipient. It was then I marched myself off to bereavement therapy. It was without a doubt the best thing I ever did, my hubby came too!
I will offer my deepest prayers for your families emotional healing and for little Tiggy.
jen´s last [type] ..it wont be long – a photo
Stumbled across this post after finding a link on Twitter! Brought me to tears…thank you so much for sharing this intimate and precious moment between you and your children. Going to go hold my babies closer than ever and just read to them which is the thing I love to do whenever I feel “done”.
I wish there was something I could say that might help ease your pain. Lifting you all up in prayer.
Jenn4him´s last [type] ..Monday Meanderings
Thanks, guys. Jen, I don’t feel anything like a rock. Just worn out.
Dana´s last [type] ..A little dose of more than I can bear
Apparently, I have a few readers named Jen.
It’s hard because you feel like right now when you are least capable of being the parent you want to be, it is most important and every failure seems like a Big Deal rather than just a parenting oops.
Dana´s last [type] ..A little dose of more than I can bear
It must be so hard to be so strong for everyone. Like you prayed for “Daddy’s heart,” we are praying for you and your peace.
Phyllis´s last [type] ..Homemade Ice Cream in a Homemade Ice Cream Maker
Praying for you. You have a very heavy load with your own grief and that of your children. You have such a tender and gentle spirit. What a gift you are to your husband and children and how you explained how their daddy’s heart is hurting.
Mel @ Trailing After God´s last [type] ..Attacking Your Love Language
You write so beautifully, yet it is hard to read because of the raw pain. I have no words of wisdom for a loss so profound, but please know I am still praying for you and thinking of you.
Dearest Dana,
I am so impressed and happy for your family and marriage that you can see the pain behind the grumpy hubby face. My hubby reacted like that when we lost our Sarah. Our gut reaction is lash out at the world when it pushes us too far and to protect our hearts by retreating at other times.
My prayers are with you. Don’t be upset with yourself or try to rush healing. Leave it to the Lord’s timing.
God bless
Heather Laurie
*tears* with you, and prayers~
beth´s last [type] ..pondering…
Thank you everyone. And I don’t have the gentlest spirit, Mel. But I am a little quicker to apologize and a little better at communicating why I’m having my own temper tantrum even before I settle down. My tendency is more to retreat, anyway, and sort of stare through the children and I’ll have difficulty really hearing what they’re saying or comprehending what they want.
Lori, there’s nothing really anyone can say, but the prayers and thoughts and words of encouragement are always appreciated.
And thank you, Heather. I think my husband is too hard on himself. This is difficult stuff to deal with and even though I have a tendency to snap right back at him, I wish he could see all the good things he has done for his family through this and that his children forgive his struggles.
Dana´s last [type] ..A little dose of more than I can bear
I wish I could come out and give you both a vacation from it all. A vacation from grief… if only that were possible. And even if it were, I’m not much better. I have a sore throat from screaming at the dog then my daughter who attempted something I told her not to and allowed our dog to very nearly devour all our ducklings. Anyone can snap even without severe grief. Its not about reacting perfectly, its about getting up when we fall and taking the next step forward. So curl up with some books and declare today a “do over”. Sending an e-hug. :’-)
Alison´s last [type] ..UhWhoops
When I pray for you Dana,I pray for your marriage most of all. {{{hug}}}
Dana, my heart breaks for you. Your posts surely make me appreciate my little ones all the more. I wish there was something I could do to help. My prayers are certainly with you and your family. Prayers for hope and support and strength and comfort and memories that make you smile.
I read at another blog called Raising Arrows. I would not normally post another’s blog in someone’s comments (it seems rude) but I didn’t see any way to message you privately. Anyway, she too has lost a child and has a number of posts related to grieving. I don’t know if it will help but the direct link is http://www.raisingarrows.net/the-grieving-mother
If you prefer not to have this posted I take no offense to it’s removal. I just thought maybe something there might bring you some comfort.
Blessings
Penny´s last [type] ..Do Re Mi in Antwerp Flash Mob Friday
I know these feelings of wanting to just retreat so well. It has been 6 years since our daughters death and those days still come randomly, not near as often as it did in the first few years
With the Lord’s help we have kept moving forward in our new life. Things will never be the same, we are forever changed through the death of a child. Yet the Lord carries us in these times, much like the poem “Footprints”.
Hebrews 13:5…..I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
May God grant you peace to get through the days….
Dana, again, I am here if you need to talk, from one mother dealing with the same situation. <> your in our daily prayers
Dana, you are always in my thoughts these days. I have always been told that God does not give you more than you can handle. You are a strong person and a wonderful mother. You inspire me to be a better mother to my own children. My heart and prayers are with you. I pray that you and your husband continue to gain strength and love and keep your beautiful family together and growing with love and grace.
Hugs,
Michelle
Oh, Alison, I’m so sorry about your ducklings. That is what set me off last week. We don’t know what got to them, but half the flock was wiped out. It looked like a dog attack, but we never saw the dog, just a line of dead ducklings from their pen to the windbreak where something crashed through the underbrush.
I snapped at my daughter about something, though all the dogs were accounted for and then just fell apart. My husband had no idea what to do or say since I could hardly catch my breath to even speak on the phone.
And thank you, Penny. I actually do know Amy’s blog.
Relevant links are always welcome so don’t feel bad about that.
Dana´s last [type] ..A little dose of more than I can bear
And I’m so sorry, Cassie. I’m glad you are moving forward. I guess we are, but it seems we spend a lot of time moving backward, too. I *know* it is all part of it, but that does’t really help much, especially when you worry what it may do to your children.
And thank you Jan and Michelle. It isn’t always dark, but you just never know when it is coming or what form it will take.
But we’re painting beehives today, so hopefully the children will enjoy that.
Oh Dana. I am sure some days just feel heartbreakingly long. I will be lifting you up in prayer today. I am so sad that that is all I can do. Much, much love.
Gretchen´s last [type] ..Feeling sheepish
Dana,
I have never lost a child but suffering comes in all forms and I really felt connected to you in this post. We have lost our home and a lot of our dignity in the last year and the way you spoke about your husband really showed me that I am not alone in what is happening with our family. It makes it just a little easier for me to “bear” knowing that. I have never asked my children to pray for their Daddy but I will today and maybe some healing can begin for all of us.
I can also feel your pain about the ducklings. It seems like those things shouldn’t bother us the way they do but all life is precious and those little critters really do quickly get into your heart especially when they bring such joy.
Thank you sharing…
Dana,
I wish I could reach out and hug you. Just know that many of us are praying for you and your family. When you hurt and are feeling overwhelmed remember we are standing in that gap and on our knees crying out to God so that you know his comfort and peace. You are doing a great job..one day at at time!!
Insensitive, that husband of yours!
I am sitting in my bed right now reading blogs, reading your blog to be exact Dana. And from my bed I can see my much read, much worn, much loved copy of Tear Soup. I have recommended that book at least 100 times to parents who have lost their children to cancer. Actually I have recommended it to parents who have lost a spouse and really to so many others. My beloved daddy was a chef. A particular favorite of his was making soups. I read Tear Soup at the conclusion of the eulogy I delivered at his funeral. I love this book so!
You are at such a hard time Dana. It must feel like your heart will break in a million pieces from the burden of carrying the pain of your children, the pain of your husband, the pain of your beautiful Tiggy. I don’t know how to make the pan go away. My own mama described it once like this to me. You see her precious little boy died too. He was 6 1/2. He fought leukemia for four long years in the late 60′s. He suffered. He has been gone 43 years…her heart is still broken in some ways. She told me this…time does not heal all wounds. What is does is slowly anesthetize that wound. It makes that enormous hole smaller and smaller and smaller. It never stops hurting. It just doesn’t always hurt so bad. What I would add is that our loving God miraculously designed our hearts s that joy and sorrow can coexist seamlessly. The elasticity of the heart allows for the give and take that is grief.
You will heal. Your husband will heal. You beautiful children will heal. They will be shaped in a beautiful way by the loss of their Tiggy. They will be kind and compassionate. They will champion the underdog because they have such a deep understanding of pain and would wish it on no one. They will strive to excel and achieve. They will love simply for the pleasure they get from making another’s heart soar. They are special be cause of Tiggy…such a big legacy for such a little boy.
You are prayed for Dana…every day, in every way, you are prayed for.
Oh friend…I’m so sorry.
Nothing more to say…
But maybe…in His time…which will be different for each of you.
I remember “these days” as I waged war against the all-consuming sadness…and wished I could fix the hurting in my husband’s heart.
Stopping to pray for you now…all of you.
Right now.
Kara at The Chuppies´s last [type] ..Then Igor From Moldova Said
because of you i am not so quick to push my son off my lap when i am “busy”.
because of you i spend an extra few minutes at bedtime getting extra kisses.
my heart breaks for you and i have prayed for you and thought of you so much since the day your world changed forever. i pray for peace.
I don’t stop here often but everytime I do you strength and honesty make me catch my breath. Thank you for letting us in and seeing it all… I wish I could give you a hug. I will pray for you and your family, prayers of peace and strength and love.
Cariann´s last [type] ..21 Days of Prayer for Sons- Day 1
Dearest Dana,
You don’t know me but I have been following your story since THE DAY last year when I heard of your awful loss on FB. This post brought tears to my eye – and I never cry. (Well, almost never.) Please know that you can’t do this alone and you aren’t doing this alone. The One who loves you more than you can imagine, more even than you love your sweet sweet Tiggy and your others blessings, more than you love your husband, your puppy, anything, the One who loves you more than you can ever possibly imagine is holding you up. Holding your hand. Holding your days. Holding your children, your husband, and your sweet sweet Tiggy. God bless you. You can’t do this. But He can. Just hang on. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Cry. Wail. Yell. Kick. It’s ok. Grief is powerful. Loss like experienced is hideous. Unspeakable. A product of a broken world. But there WILL come a day when we live in the NEW EARTH where all pain and tears and sorrows and even weeds are gone. He loves you. WE are praying for you. Your family. Your healing.
God bless,
Maggie
I do not know your pain, your loss – compounded by bearing it for so many is beyond me. I can only be grateful for that.
But that does not mean I can not be compassionate, empathic and willing to shed tears on your behalf.
Yours is the burden we all pray to avoid. Yours is the pain we hope to never endure. Yours is the experience that makes or breaks a faith.
In my thoughts and prayers I hold you up so that you find the strength to keep going, keep writing and keep sharing the process of healing.
I have every confidence that you will heal, your family will heal and in the end these moments of intense grief that affect you all so deeply will become fewer and farther between.
My love to you all.
Sheri´s last [type] ..Summer is Here
I’m offering up prayers for you right now.
Sara´s last [type] ..Sunday Dinner
Thank you. I’ve just lost my dad, and find it hard trying to explain to my boys why I am more prone to shout at them at the moment. Now I can say ‘losing grandpa is more than I can bear’. My eldest can’t cope when people cry; so it’s hard to let it out when he’s around.
praying for you .
tear soup is a great book for friends too… so they can understand a little more about how to deal with the loss and grief that a friend is suffering.
the hard to bear moments, they can be so overwhelming and completely exhausting. keep remembering that hope and joy is renewed in the morning! one day, when we see Jesus face to face, we will get to experience that true REST. in the meantime, know that your friends are still praying for you and your family. i am glad that you had the courage to read that book and that your kids know that they can come to you to grieve with them.
love you, dana.
MarshaMarshaMarsha´s last [type] ..matthew 24-36
One of the toughest moments I have as a mom, is being the ‘calm’ parent when my husband flips out. Not that he usually does- almost never, maybe once a year- but get him tired enough, hungry enough, overwhelmed enough, and he can throw a pretty good tantrum, including tossing beloved toys in the garbage. *sigh* We all do things we regret later, but it’s beautiful that you can ask them to pray for his heart. That was a good rebuke, one I needed to hear. I usually roll my eyes and try to get everybody calmed down after the storm has passed. I need to do less eye-rolling and more praying.
Praying for you all, especially Bear. (Also, I have a quiet girl, too. She weighs on my heart at night, when everything is finally calm because I realize that when I was taking care of everybody else, she got skipped over. You’re such an incredible mom for taking the book you didn’t want to take, reading it on a day where you’d already had TOO MUCH to bear. For her sake.)
Dearest Dana, I just wanted to let you know that my heart and prayers are with you on this day and on the next and the next! Our family is praying for your family and will be in prayer.
I want to encourage you to hang on tight to the love you have for your husband. I know that the enemy is trying to rob that love away and will sneak in with feelings of anger toward your spouse. Don’t let it in. I know that the horror you have experienced is so hard and that we as women look for our husbands to protect us and shield us from that kind of horror. Your husband couldn’t. He wants to…everyday he wants to take it all away from you, only he can’t and it makes him feel useless to your pain. Reach out to be close to him because you both need healing….deep healing. I pray that you can reach out to him!
We had a child nearly die, and the horror was so hard and the pain that I experienced was so overwhelming…(I know this doesn’t compare with what you have experienced), I only want to share with you why I know what happens to our marriage, so many couples can’t hold onto their marriages after the loss of a child…GUARD yours and fight to keep it.
I pray the Lord will relieve your suffering for more and more each day and that He will send you REST AND PEACE!!! In Jesus Name! Much love and hugs to you on this day Dana…God keep you Dear Sister and your Family Deep in His Care! May you stay so near to Him that you hear each beat of His Heart
Something I just came across about the wonder of an egg-laying chicken named Nicole Eggert, that I hoped might lighten a moment for you. . .
JJ´s last [type] ..“Homeschoolers Are Weird”
Dear Dana, I cant remember how I came across your blog, but maybe three years ago or so we had our tv that was on cabinet fall down and it just missed our son, the gash in the oak floor was huge and we were so thankful that our son was spared. We have 11 sons and 2 years ago our 33 yr old (my stepson)was killed in an accident at the railroad. We love the Lord and we know he is in heaven but the grief has been tremedous, I think with a large family you not only have yourself but many others to see and watch hurt beyond what we normally can handle. And for me I can say that after about a month of such pain that never ceases it can drain you and you know it will be along time before you are normal and then you feel guilty for wanting to be normal? maybe I’m talking crazy but even at the 2 year point we are not even close to being over it if thats the word, ( I will say the deep grief is there but it changes to not so consuming all the time)I am not a good writer but i hope if I can convey anything it is that you will not get over this anytime to soon and to expect to is not realistic. don’t expect anything for a long time to be normal. Love your children and your husband and forgive them of their outbursts. LIsten to lots of praise music and melodious music that soothes the soul and quiets the spirit. I hope this isn’t to preachy, but I thought maybe I could be of some encouragement? I hope. Love Lynn
Hi Dana
I am just getting to this post. I am sorry you are struggling so. And I so know what you are going through. I remember having days where I just wanted to escape to my bedroom and my bed. But I couldn’t as I still had one little one that needed me.
I wish I had words to offer you but I don’t really know what to say except I feel for you and with you. I do hope you are able to find a few minutes for yourself.
Your friend, Ali
Ali Workentin´s last [type] ..More Family Pictures
i hope for the best for you. thank you for sharing this…
sophia´s last [type] ..How to wax a car And what is the best car wax
Just back from a trip to TN. Continuing to pray the ability to inhale . . . and exhale . . . for all of you!