This I hold on to

Sitting next to Micah, I watch him play. Left arm stretches, little fist in a ball. Right arm tucks in, fist in a ball. Little legs scrunch up to his tummy then he gives a mighty little kick. That surprises him and he looks for a moment like he might cry before he sticks out his tongue and gets distracted by a lock of my hair.

Then he flashes that smile. He really only started smiling the week before the accident. Big, beautiful, full body smiles that could make anyone smile back.

(The day after it happened, I sat holding him while tears streamed. He seemed so far away as he wiggled and stretched until he caught my eyes and he flashed that smile. It was like a single ray of sunshine beaming through the tempest in my soul. And even through tears, I smiled back.)

“I want to remember this,” I think to myself.

(Everything is in a fog. Nothing seems quite real. My thoughts are clouded, I can’t remember what I’m doing from one moment to the next and the simplest decisions overwhelm me. I remember bits and pieces from last week, but most of it is a blur.)

But babies grow quickly. And this I want to remember. So I sketch him out in my thoughts, look over every feature, close my eyes to recall his little face.

I smile. The small joy of playing with my baby pierces through the fog and the numbness. But that lets through the pain and my eyes begin to sting.

“Oh, Micah,” I say as I pick him up. “I hope I can still be a good mommy to you.”

“You are a good mommy!”

I hear the children say, almost in unison. My son sounds indignant, as if I insulted him personally. The tears begin to fall.

(Everyone says it gets easier. That time heals all wounds. That you learn how to move on. But when I hear these words, my heart says, “No.” Not that I don’t believe them. I do. But I don’t want it to get easier. I don’t want to move on. It doesn’t seem possible to simply go forward and leave my son behind. To allow the wounds to heal when his took his life.)

“I used to dance and sing and laugh with all of you. I just want the same for Micah.”

And I do. So I dry my tears, kiss his cheeks and hold his little hand. I still don’t know how to move forward from here . . . to laugh and dance and sing . . . but we still love. And for now, I cling to 1 Peter 4:8.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

64 comments
  1. Cataphatism

    What does Micah – Jair mean?

    (Who is like God? – He shines!)

    And let God shine in your life because the darkness cannot overwhelm it. And remember 1 John 4:19:

    “We love because he first loved us.”

  2. Linda

    Praying Psalm 30 for you this morning, Dana,

    I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
    You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
    2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you restored my health.
    3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
    You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

    4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
    Praise his holy name.
    5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime!
    Weeping may last through the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

    6 When I was prosperous, I said,
    “Nothing can stop me now!”
    7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
    Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

    8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
    I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
    9 “What will you gain if I die,
    if I sink into the grave?
    Can my dust praise you?
    Can it tell of your faithfulness?
    10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
    Help me, O Lord.”

    11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
    You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
    12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

    Your children are right…you are a good mommy. The days of dancing will return. Someday. When your heart is ready! It’s a promise from our loving heavenly Father!!

    Will keep praying.

  3. Phyllis

    All of us who have not gone through what you are going through cannot imagine how you are able to do what you are doing. You are strong because you lean on Him. Do not be too hard on yourself. Like your children say, you are a good mommy. Do not worry about that. Grief, I understand, is a long process. I am glad you are reaching out. As long as you reach out, we will all be here for you, even if it is just to listen and pray for you. Even if you don’t feel like reaching out, we will still be praying for you.
    Phyllis recently posted…Christmas Traditions from The Middle AgesMy Profile

  4. Andrew Wetzel (@CircleReader)

    That verse from John 1 (quoted by Cataphatism above) also gets translated this way: “And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” Comprehended? Seems like a whole different thing from “the darkness cannot overwhelm it.”

    But a teacher once pointed out to me that the word actually means “to lay hold of something; to lay hold of so as to make one’s own, to obtain, attain to, to make one’s own, to take into one’s self, appropriate; to seize upon, take possession of; of evils – overtaking one; of the last day – overtaking the wicked with destruction; of a demon – about to torment one;” as well as, in a good sense, “of Christ by his holy power and influence laying hold of the human mind and will, in order to prompt and govern it; to detect, catch; to lay hold of with the mind; to understand, perceive, learn, comprehend.”

    So I don’t know about “moving on,” exactly, if that means leaving grief behind; I think grief always remains part of us. But I know God has given you enough light that tragedy and frailty and darkness cannot hold on to you to make you their own, but that the Christ who was born to join in our human pain & sorrow will light your way to laugh and dance and sing with those you love.
    Andrew Wetzel (@CircleReader) recently posted…The Kingdom of This World… – or- The Messiah Strikes BackMy Profile

  5. Elena

    Dana, you don’t want to go on because it’s not time to go on. It’s time to grieve. Honor that and just grieve as long and as hard as you need to. And then it will be time to move on. Still keeping you and your family in prayer. You have many many friends in the blogosphere who are doing the same.
    Elena recently posted…O Rex GentiumMy Profile

  6. Vanessa

    Continuing to ache with you, pray for you, and hope that each day the Lord sends a ray of sunshine to help you heal. Love to you and your always-beautiful family.

  7. Shellie Brown

    Dana,
    I found your blog through Heart of the Matter. I am praying for you and your family daily. Remember Phil. 4:13, you can do this with His strength. Cling to Him always…we are all praying for you and your Husband.
    Thank you for sharing your posts.

  8. Virginia

    Dana,

    I’m holding my baby, just few months older than Micah. When things are dark, his little warm body reminds me that I am not alone. Let him comfort you. He’s agift, and his little smiles can cut through that fog. But he won’t fail to thrive because you’re grieving. I have gone through very rough times and the other little people have often provided the giggles and funny faces and tickles that I could not. You hold him to you and love him, that’s all he needs.

  9. Miss Roxie

    Grief comes likes waves in the ocean. Sometimes intense like a storm, sometimes softly lapping on the shore, but it comes … Allow it to flow through you and over you, go with it, and then let it go where it may, like your writing, or an extra hug for all of your children or your husband, or like baking cookies all day, or even soaking in the tub.

    You will change. You will get better. You will be molded into something stronger than you are right now. How precious things are in life will become much more clear to you.

    Healing is a changing of who we are, a growth in spirit, a graduation in life. You will have learned much about God and love and hope and fear and tenderness, sadness and even joy. You will survive. You will be mended into something new and beautiful if you allow it.

    God loves you, Dana. He will hold you through this. You just hold on tight.

  10. Misty

    I don’t know you. I came across your website through a series of links, randomly followed during a moment of idleness at work. And I cried.

    Thank you for showing me that it is possible to be faithful in pain. . . your family is in my prayers this Christmas

  11. Susan

    Dear Dana,
    You will never move on in the sense that you will forget Tiggy. You will never forget him, even for a moment. He will always be part of you, and more so as life goes on. You will remember him when you are old, just like it’s today. His memory will never fade to the point that he is not real. You will move on as your work for God continues. You have other children to care for, to distract you and bring you joy. You have a husband who loves and needs you. Did you ever read Anne’s House of Dreams, about Anne of Green Gables newly married and having her first baby? The long awaited miracle ended with the baby dying. Anne was never the same again, something left her smile, changed it. That did not mean she went on to be a less able mother, quite the contrary. I know it’s just a story, but good stories often reflect real life. Thanks for listening to a stranger. I am praying for you.

  12. Renae

    Love is so worth holding onto…It is the only everything.

    I’m glad your children know that they have a good mommy. And I know you continue to be a good mother even in your grief. You teach them about the preciousness of life and how important each one of them is in your heart. Even as you mourn, you are thinking of the other precious souls in your care.

    May you have grace for each step closer to Tiggy…for you are really not leaving him behind, but going forward to meet him again.
    Renae recently posted…When words are not enough…My Profile

  13. Billie

    I was told about your blog by a mom friend. I am so sorry. I will be praying endlessly for you and your family. It is my prayer that you will find comfort in your faith, that you will allow yourself to fall apart and that God will give you the strength to breathe when you simply can’t.
    May you find peace in the fact that Tiggy is playing in the arms of Jesus…and one day you will get to Heaven and you will RUN to him. May your heart be blessed today.

  14. Q

    You won’t ever know how to move forward from here, but you don’t have to know. It’s simply the ultimate lesson in complete dependence on the Lord. Complete in a way you’ve never before experienced. He is carrying you through, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You’ll never ‘get over it’, but you will get through it.

    I know you can’t see past it, nor through it, nor over, under, or around it. Vision is at 80% and what you’ve got is blurred, seemingly only adding to the confusion. Keep your expectations low, keep your calendar clear. This is a year for simplicity. Keep blogging. These moments you record will be your memory of the sweet moments with your children on earth that are blurred by the memories of your son in Heaven.

    I know that it seems that the pain is all that’s left of Mattias, but please know that’s a lie. Satan doesn’t want you to heal, ever. He wants you writhing and convinced that there is no relief, clinging to the despair and refusing to let the Lord do His work for the rest of your days. The Lord can’t use you if you refuse to let Him do His work and that’s what Satan wants. Remember that ours is a gentle Lord. He bends us slowly, lest we completely break. His healing will take time, a lot of it. But while we invest years of training into our children to get them obedient and loving and mature, He invests years in us getting our hearts healed, wounds scarred over, and aches dulled.

    I’ve messaged you via facebook (Paloma Rogue) and left my email address in other comments so you can contact me if you’d like.

    Praying Psalm 116 for you.

  15. Sharon O

    As a mom of two and a grandma of six my heart goes out to you. I sit with tears down my cheeks for you and your baby. oh my heart aches. I wish for you some rest. Not peace for peace will not come for a while.
    But Rest. for you heart and your soul… Rest an internal deep rest.
    As well as sleep.
    I wish you a calm. Your heart will not heal for some time that is OK, take care of you.
    love you in the lord, a grandma in Oregon

  16. Radhika

    i understand your pain. and sometimes it never does heal. but you as a mom are strong and can survive. and you will, for your other children. and you will continue to love them and to be nourished by their love. and by the Lord. please have faith in this my dear and your children will be your strength as you were theirs. so blessed you were to have your little boy Tiggy for the time that he was on this Earth. how blessed are the angels now with whom he surely walks and frolics. I trust he is surely smiling down on you from the celestial realms. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  17. Alison

    I agree with Elena- you can’t imagine moving on because its not time yet. It hasn’t even been 2 weeks. One day you will dance and sing and laugh again and you won’t even realize it happened. And when you do realize it, you’ll cry, partly from missing Tiggy and partly from joy. We recite Psalm 23 every night with the kids and one verse has been particularly profound to me since your loss- He restores our soul. And this I pray for you repeatedly, that your soul be restored. Not that Tiggy’s imprint doesn’t remain, but that your God-given soul be restored in its time. I think if you were start dancing and singing now, your other children would not have their time to grieve either. They’re taking cues from you, they’ll mourn as you mourn and need that time just as much as you do. Trust our Good and Faithful Shepherd to do the healing PERFECTLY and in HIS timing. When the sting subsides, it will be in the proper time with the perfect memories intact. Its restoration, not rebuilding. And for now, mourn. Cry. Be numb then experience those stabs of pain that keep you human. Your God will not let you err in any one direction. Rest in His Hands. He will hold you up and even be the joy your children need… and they shall be better for it. God make ye mighty, Gentle Dana.
    Alison recently posted…MourningMy Profile

  18. Bobbie

    I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug ever. I just started reading your blog. I just wanted to say that, you don’t move on. You don’t leave your baby behind. You learn to live a new normal. Your child lives on through you. Everything will start to clear and the fog won’t be there anymore. I promise. But, never do you ever leave your child behind. Because how could you leave someone behind that was and still is a part of your heart. I struggled with this after my son passed away. I felt that if I just stayed in my grieving state, I wouldn’t forget. That was my biggest fear that I would forget. But, I can assure you, you won’t forget those sweet smiles or the zanny things he did, or the way he ran across the floor with that silly baby waddle. Grieve, let your children grieve with you. Teach them it is ok, to be a mess and work through your grief. Because in my experience, they can help you just as much as you them. You will be a good mommy. God Bless you! My heart goes out to you. And I am praying for you that God will show you that even through this tragedy, that there is light. And that he sends you comfort where you think none can be found.

  19. Lynda

    What an amazing mommy you are! Your children will never doubt your love for them, or the love of the Lord. You are teaching them to work through the grieving process for they are grieving also. What a remarkable blessing you are to them. The pain will pass, but the memories will always remain. Rejoice in the dance Tiggy is dancing with the Lord, and the angel he is to watch over all of you. You are continually in my prayers.
    Lynda recently posted…Merry CHRISTmasMy Profile

  20. Amy @ Raising Arrows

    I absolutely hated the thought of “moving on”, because that just isn’t an accurate description of what we do from here. Moving forward is more like it. We just put one foot in front of the other, keep living for the children left in our care, keep looking to that day when we join our precious babies.

    Christmas is hard. You will never be the you you once were. And that is okay. You are a good mom. Your children do love you. You will keep going. And someday, you won’t cry as much. You’ll be able to laugh again. And that day will be sad too. I remember.

    You are loved.
    Amy @ Raising Arrows recently posted…A Blogging Conference for Christian Homeschoolers!My Profile

  21. Elle

    I’m another stranger. But no stranger to grief. My son died at the age of 2 1/2 years old in 1996.

    I have never believed that time heals all wounds. But I have come to understand as a believer that time does give space for God’s comfort to grow within us and for His Spirit to shine upon us a largeness for eternity’s gifts. As this happens, the pain itself becomes part of the movement that keeps us walking towards the hope we hold in Jesus Christ. He does become more and all things become less.

    I will never forget my first Christmas without my son, and I will pray for you.

  22. Dana Lambert

    Oh hun ((HUGS)) you don’t move on, you only move closer to the day when you will once again see Tiggy’s sweet smile again. And little Micah’s gorgeous smile is God’s way of reminding you of His love and His plan. You are right. It all passes too quickly but one day you will enter Heaven and have all your babies together again. I pray for God to ease your pain this Christmas and to help you find Peace during the new year. ((HUGS)) Praying for you daily.

  23. Kunnath

    Dear Dana and Dakota and family,

    I just browsed at your website after many months- to see your loss and I am crying too for the loss of this beautiful child. No human words could ever skim the surface to even console- but when all else fails, Christ sufficeth- this I believe. Praying for all of you at this hard time.

    For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Rev 7:17

    Dr. K

  24. Ali Workentin

    Dana

    My heart aches for you as you go through many firsts without your little boy. I wish I could walk up to you and give you a hug. All I can do is write you a note and let you know I said a prayer for you and your family as I read your posts from the last few days. I hope your celebration with your children went well. Don’t ever think you are not a good Mommy…you are the best Mommy for your children. You are the Mommy that God has chosen for your little ones. I hope you don’t hole up in yourself but let those around you, those on your blog hold you up in prayer and be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. Having been where you are right now, I know it is hard, it is hard beyond belief. But God is good and He will hold you every step of the way. Again, if you need to talk, please do not hesitate to get ahold of me. Ali
    Ali Workentin recently posted…Our Anniversary and a few other things!My Profile

  25. Lanell

    Dear Dana
    I don’t want to move on either. But i am not leaving ANn behind. SHe is ahead of me. i have to catch up. That is the truth. Ann is cheering us on. We are living for the line, not the dot.

    .______________________________________________________

    And Dana, I am so sorry for your pain. I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to move on wihtout them. But, its just a temporary separation. IT’s real, but temporary.

  26. Christine

    Keep writing, remembering, loving, Dana. I and so many others are praying for your healing and comfort. Coming from a place not of sharing your pain, of which I know little, but of a Mom and a sister in Christ. Rest in Him and you will lead your children to do the same. You may not be the same Mom, but you will be the exact Mom that they need. God will provide for you and you will in turn provide for them. Praying always, Christine
    Christine recently posted…The Christmas Birthday BoyMy Profile

  27. Laraba

    I don’t know if you are at a place where you want to read books about grief, but if you do I’d like to recommend A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser. I read it after our first miscarriage and it was incredibly authentic and helpful. Sittser lost his mother, wife, and 4 year old daughter in a terrible car crash with a drunk driver. His other 3 children were also in the car and were not badly injured. He was left to pick up the pieces, to be a good father to his 3 living children, to grieve and mourn, to be depressed. The book doesn’t have pat answers about grief. He was in agony for a very long time. As others have said, you don’t “move past” the loss of someone you love. I find it interesting that Joseph of Egypt spent 40 days mourning his father Jacob’s death when Jacob lived to a very old age. I think as a culture we expect people to “move on” far too quickly. You and your entire family are living through a tragedy that most of us cannot fathom or understand. You are going to be in a lot of pain for quite some time. I know I just want to move past sorrow and grief but 4 miscarriages have taught me that I can’t. I have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my Savior at my side. There is no short circuiting grief.

    I’m praying for you all.

  28. sprittibee

    Fresh tears shed with yours from Texas.

    This is the guilt… and it’s OK. You have to go through the guilt to move through grieving and it is FINE if you need to NOT move on for a while. It’s OK to feel it and stop there to linger. Go as slow as you want.

    You’ve always been a good mommy. You still are. Good mommies grieve. Good mommies cry.

    Just keep holding on to Jesus and taking deep breaths. He will bring a song back to you again.

    I love you and am still praying.

  29. Theresa

    Grief is a strange animal. Expect a roller coaster ride! What “they say” isn’t true. Time heals nothing. It will always be painful that your son died. 🙁 You would not be the wonderful Mom that you are, if it was not painful. What changes is that life goes on around you. And God works in your heart. Time does not heal all wounds – God does. I believe He is walking this grief with you. One verse that comforted me was Psalm 116:15 “Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.” The loss of your precious one is a loss for Him as well…this is not something that has snuck up on Him and He is NOT unaware of what you and your family are going through, no matter what it may feel at times. What will happen in time – for me, it was one day when I caught my self spontaneiously laughing again – at first it feels like betrayal, and then it feels good, normal, healing. One day you make it to the end of the day and you realize it has not crowded your every thought, your every waking moment, it has not been distracting you in the background of everything you do. In this sense it does “get better”. The acuteness of the sting is numbed. I was in first grade when my brother died unexpectedly I’m 44 now and I weep openly with the memory…not because I haven’t “dealt with it” because you never stop loving someone you lose here on earth. I know it’s not the same, I was not the parent who lost a child, but I share this with you because you have precious children who need to SEE you grieving. And they need to SEE that you allow God to heal. They need to heal. The hardest part for me was when everyone quit talking about my brother as if he never existed, or spoke in hushed tones because of “the tragedy”. You all have a minefield of grief to find your way through. I hope it will bind you all together and pray it does not pull you apart. Thank you for sharing. I will continue to pray for your family.
    Theresa recently posted…Catching Up – New Kits and SaleMy Profile

  30. Tressa

    Oh my, I am almost in tears, I got your name from another blog, and I just want to say that I am praying for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through at all! My heart breaks for you, you are a super strong woman, and your children love you so much!

    I am praying for you and you have a whole community praying for you too. May Jesus wrap his loving arms around you and your family

    Tressa
    http://myblessedfamily-tressamomof3.blogspot.com/

  31. Janel

    I know those feelings.

    I’m 3 months out from losing my father-in-law and having my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer’s move in with us. After 55 years of marriage, she just wants to “go be with him because I don’t remember anything anyhow and I’m only going to get worse.” I understand and yet I don’t.

    It breaks my heart for her and you as well. Grief is never easy. The staying and the moving forward and the deep aching desire that none of it ever happened to begin with. {sigh}

    We will never be where we were again, but we will learn to live in grace. Everyday. And He will be there to lead us through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. And my oh my is it a big shadow…

    Praying!

  32. Janna

    Dana–
    You don’t know me, but I had followed a link to your story from another blog. I just wanted you to know I’ve been praying for your family. I also thought of this song by Selah “Unredeemed” and thought I would pass along a youtube link to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjIm0TwbRok
    I hope it can minister to your heart in some small way. In Him~Janna

  33. Mary Franks

    Dana, your words resonate so deeply. I remember feeling the exact same things after my son died. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. The fog is thick those first days and weeks and the only way you get through it is because you have no choice. My only advice is this: grief is hard work, be sure you do it. Cry, wail, sob, punch a pillow when you’re feeling angry, let it out whenever you feel like you’re going to explode with the hugeness of your loss. Stuffing those feelings away will make survival so much harder in the long run. Is there a support group you could join? That was so helpful to both my husband and me. It was our lifeline for many months and the place where we felt most understood. If you live in a rural area, perhaps there is an online group you could join?
    Tiggy will always be a part of you, Dana, and you don’t have to leave him behind. I know it seems impossible right now. Just keep swimming.

  34. Peter

    Be strong and courageous
    Lord of the Ages
    Holds all His little ones,
    Safe by His side

    Be strong and courageous
    Lord of the Ages
    Holds all His little ones safe

    Do not fear the fire,
    Do not fear the water,
    Do not fear the thunder,
    Jesus has conquered them all.

    Do not fear the darkness
    Do not fear the sadness
    Do not fear the sickness
    Jesus has conquered them all

    Do not fear the enemy
    Do not fear the poverty
    Do not fear eternity
    Jesus has conquered them all
    Jesus has conquered them all

    Colin Buchanan, (Be Strong and Courageous)

  35. Amanda

    Dana,
    I know you are probably not ready to read a book on anything of substance yet but I read The Shack by William Young. It is both a story of God in our lives, how we relate to Him and a story of a fathers loss. I think eventually it may help you feel less weighed down by your grief. Grief will always be a part of you but God will help you give it it’s proper place. This book may also help you with your children’s grief as there are some wonderful images portrayed. If you would let me I would like to send it to you.

    Mrs. Mandy

  36. MarshaMarshaMarsha

    There is no way to cure or “fix” grief, at least not this side of Heaven. You will not forget Tiggy and you will not “get over it” one day, but God will carry you through. God knows what it is like to be apart from His Son and He weeps with your hurting heart, dear Dana! Tiggy will ALWAYS be a part of your family and a part of YOU. While you will miss him until that glad reunion day, you will not always feel exactly like you do right now. It doesn’t get easy, but by God’s grace it does get less hard.

    I am so glad that you are able to talk so freely about Tiggy with your children. That they can call to you and cry with you and share with you. Keep writing down those little details. YOU ARE A GREAT MOMMY!

  37. Carolyn~

    Dana,
    Perhaps now is a time for a dance of sadness? I’m sure the time will come when you and your children dance with joy once again.It may be awhile though. Just remember in the meantime dear sister in Christ, that one can dance and cry at the same time.Children understand this but I often think we as adults seem to think that dancing can only be done when we feel happy and whole. It may be a long time before you feel that way mama.You actually will probably not ever feel totally “whole” again. Dance anyway mama.Dance anyway.Let the grief move you.A dance started in grief with a household of children who adore you, could very well end with a little ray of joy…

    We are still praying for you and your family.I pray daily for you.

  38. becky raslan

    Thank you, Dana. I will never be able to thank you enough for having the courage to share your experience of the unthinkable loss of your son. I believe in a God who leads us where we need to be, and I was led to your writings this morning. Being submerged in my own grief, your words have touched me in a way that so many well intentioned condolences have not. I know the heaviness of chest that makes it difficult to breathe, and the need to remain in that place which is not quite in this world but yet still somehow we are here. There is a unique commonality among those of us who have walked this path, and there is strength and hope somehow in knowing that others have survived and learned to smile, and laugh, and dance again. Grief takes its time, the wave continues to wash over us, but Grace and love begin to heal us in time – when we are ready. We do not “move on”, or “find closure”, we integrate our loss into the fabric of our life – we do not become again who we were before, we are changed. But life can have meaning again, we can fully live again, of this I am sure. May you find peace and contentment of heart, and thank you so very much for sharing your experience.
    Becky

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