I am far from a breast-feeding fascist, but I can’t help but take issue with Hanna Rosin’s recent article The Case Against Breast-Feeding (via the discussion at BlogHer). My objections have little to do with whether or not you should breast-feed. Actually, I could go on about the urban elite “ur-mother” types who strut their parenting decisions about as if they were the latest fashions just as well as Rosin, but I don’t think it adds much to the discussion. This is what troubles me, and seems at the heart of the so-called “mommy wars:”
The debate about breast-feeding takes place without any reference to its actual context in women’s lives. Breast-feeding exclusively is not like taking a prenatal vitamin. It is a serious time commitment that pretty much guarantees that you will not work in any meaningful way. Let’s say a baby feeds seven times a day and then a couple more times at night. That’s nine times for about a half hour each, which adds up to more than half of a working day, every day, for at least six months. This is why, when people say that breast-feeding is “free,” I want to hit them with a two-by-four. It’s only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing.
It is a serious time commitment. So is having a child. A child is not like having a cute little bunny you can play with at your convenience and then place back in its cage until the next time you feel like playing. Having a child is a lifelong commitment which comes with a 24 hour a day on-call status. I don’t say that to imply that motherhood absolutely means the end of work, that you have to stay home with your child, that you have to breast-feed and that your child can never see the inside of a daycare (or school) in order to be a “good” mother.
It’s just that when you choose to have a child, you give up some of that ability to view every debate and every decision in the context of your life, your desires, your goals. Some little child is suddenly dependent on you to make decisions on his or her behalf in the context of his or her life.
And just what exactly does it mean to “work in any meaningful way?” Full time (or more) at the beck and call of…your boss, your customers, your editor, your anyone-besides-your-family-whose-requests-are-somehow-meaningful-because-a-paycheck-is-attached? Of course a woman’s time is not “worth nothing.” To me, it is worth far more than anyone could pay. Rather than without value, my time invested in my children is invaluable.
Yes, I believe breast-feeding is better. I believe staying home with your children is better. I believe homeschooling is better. If I didn’t believe these things, I wouldn’t do them. They aren’t always the easiest choices . . . and I haven’t even always believed they were better. But believing they are better does not have to translate into looking down on those who make different choices, either because of their particular situations or simply because of their desires and goals.
But if Rosin does not agree, has different goals, finds that breast-feeding is not fitting in with the life she and her husband have built, that is just fine. Bottle feeding number three is not likely to condemn him or her to a lifetime of poor grades, poor health and poor skin tone. The whole “Breast is Best” thing should be about encouraging and supporting women who breast-feed and, more importantly, helping to build a culture more accepting of breast-feeding. Meaning that when the American Academy of Pediatrics says breast-feed exclusively for the first six months, it shouldn’t be passed around in such a way to make women who aren’t breast-feeding feel guilty, but to encourage businesses to make more creative arrangements for women with young babies. If Burger King could do it for me, I’m sure other workplaces can as well. Ideally, such campaigns would also raise public awareness to the point that a woman doesn’t feel overly uncomfortable or feel the heat of judgmental glances if she needs to nurse an infant in public.
I, too, disagree with the approaches of those who might be labeled “breast-feeding fascists.” But then, I can’t look at my four week old little boy contentedly nursing as I compose blog posts in the evening and reconcile that with Rosin’s epiphany:
In Betty Friedan’s day, feminists felt shackled to domesticity by the unreasonably high bar for housework, the endless dusting and shopping and pushing the Hoover around . . . it was not the vacuum that was keeping me and my 21st-century sisters down, but another sucking sound.
Maybe the whole issue is a little too close to me right now, but I can’t look at my children as something holding me down. And that sucking sound? Contrary to the vacuum, it seems to me like the very sound of completeness and wholeness in this world.
Welcome to Roscommon Acres, my little home in the country. I write here about life more abundantly, from the joy of a baby’s smile to the almost unbearable grief of losing a son. I am seeking beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair (Isaiah 61:3).
Just place "Tiggy" in the subject line.
“It is a serious time commitment. So is having a child. A child is not like having a cute little bunny you can play with at your convenience and then place back in its cage until the next time you feel like playing. Having a child is a lifelong commitment which comes with a 24 hour a day on-call status.”
BINGO. Thank you!!
Difficult to type a comment with one hand as I am presently “shackled” to my hungry 3 mo. old. She is waving one leg in the air and keeps bobbing off the breast to smile at me. I guess I don’t get the time argument, because doesn’t it still take several hours worth of feeding day and night to care for a baby, regardless of what feeding method you use? The only difference I can see in terms of convenience is that with bottle feeding SOMEONE ELSE can do it once in a while. But bottom line is SOMEBODY has to invest the time in the baby because that’s how babies are.
I actually wish I had that time back when I cold breast feed my twins. That so called “wasted time” was just what I needed when they wanted to eat I could sit and relax and just snuggle with them. Now they are 6 we still snuggle and I think it’s all because of that bond we had from breastfeeding.
Thanks for bring Ms. Rosin’s agendas to light.
She’s quite a busy author/mom.
Congrats, btw, on your newest little one. May you enjoy that closeness and time with him that moms (many breast feeding ones, in particular) share.
I remember having a similar discussion with my dad years ago. It wasn’t about breastfeeding, but about how I invest my time. He thought I should go to school and get a job. When I replied my passion surprised me, and he had nothing to say other than he was proud of my decision to stay home with his grandchildren.
And then last night my husband and I were talking about work. He told me to charge enough (for house cleaning) that I would be delighted to do it. He didn’t really believe no dollar amount could do that. I don’t mind working, but my desire is to be home. I am so thankful I can be.
Another great point.
…but now I’m thinking I need to stop sleeping and eating. I mean, I’m using up hours a day not doing “meaningful work” …what am I thinking? [smile]
~Luke
Excellent piece. Psuedo-feminists like Rosin do a disservice to the feminist movement. They alienate all the women who see mothering our children as something that is just as meaningful and important as paid employment. It is even possible to be creative and do both (gasp!). I am a realtor, and our last baby came with me to every office day, showing, closing, and meeting for the first ten months of his life.
If Rosin did not want to breastfeed, she should own that, not try to claim that women are shackled by our infants. Having children is a choice. I made the choice to have mine, and so I felt I was obligated to parent them to the best of my ability. Anything less would have been a disservice to my foremothers and my great-granddaughters.
I support Ms Rosin!
I believe that her philosophy should be applied to Polar Bears, Kangaroos, Elephants, Pigs, Walrus’s, Gorilla’s; right across the spectrum of the animal kingdom.
I mean don’t these animals have more important things to do than raise their young as nature intended them too?
My children are a bit older now, so my perspective is a bit different. However, my feelings on the matter match yours entirely. That sucking sound is the sweetest sound in the world.
Now, please excuse me. I am idling away my life with the meaningless task of annihilating my son in Scrabble. He is TOAST.
This quote is a doozy:
“It’s only free if a woman’s time is worth nothing.”
Obviously, investing in a child’s health, life, and well-being is “nothing.”
Great. What I really should be doing is hanging out at the water cooler each day discussing the previous night’s episode of American Idol. Now that would be a contribution to society!
I love the phrase, “working women are at the beck and call of their boss,customers,”etc…..
why is that admired yet when its OUR children its a waste of time.
this is why our society is going downhill, because mothers are letting society and(the the school system) raise their children….
the MOST honorable,hardest, most rewarding, and most loving job is being a mother….
don’t ever forget that.
women who choose not to breastfeed make their choice..but boy are they missing out on love,bonding,and that sweet sound of heaven
Thank you, everyone. You all raise some great points.
I did enjoy the part about how the breast-feeding movement started as a sort of feminist movement, encouraging women to trust themselves and their bodies to provide for their children.
It reminded me of something I read about the development of birthing centers. It talked about how women were once strapped to the table to deliver their babies, in part because the science didn’t care much for the experience of the woman, but also because the woman was likely to thrash about. It was odd reading about how women became frightened in child birth due to lack of education.
I had a related discussion with my 12 yob yesterday. He didn’t understand why people would think it strange that we would want to be together so much as a family. Apparently parents are supposed to be thrilled to ‘get rid of’ the kids, kids are supposed to want to be anywhere but home, and whatever you do for your family is meaningless and probably dysfunctional, because you are supposed to want to do for everyone else, as this is all that ‘counts’. For what, I am not sure.
And it reminds me of the story of Ed Kemper (aka The Co-Ed Killer). His mother worked at Santa Cruz where she was very popular with admin and students, known as someone who cared and that you could go to for compassionate help and counsel- but at home, she constantly humiliated Ed, and even kept him in a locked basement. A common thread amongst those who commit the most horrendous kinds of violence is a detached, dominating, and sometimes abusive mother.
The last message anyone should be sending to mothers is that one should nurture and invest in everyone but one’s own family. Rosin’s thoughts on this are perverse IMO.
Excellent post! I kind of miss being shackled down in that way. My kids are way past the nursing stage, and I wish they still needed me in that way. Much easier, and I got regular naps then too!
I read that article too.
If Ms. Rosin ever wants to do her own non-scientific, totally anecdotal research, she can put her (formula fed) kid next to my (breast-fed) kid. I guarantee you my tall, lean, healthy, no-allergies kid will be the more robust, healthier-looking kid anyday.
Excellent post, Dana. I agree 100%.
I don’t think that exclusively breastfeeding means that you will never do anything productive. With baby #5 and 6, I worked full time (two jobs). One job allowed me to take my newborn to my office with me and telecommute – the other job was 4 hours in the evening (20 hours a week) so I pumped before my shift and fed the baby after.
And with baby #7, I managed to work from home writing and homeschool several children – definitely productive work!
Oh the days of toothless sucklings… how much the skin contact, the peace and the free flowing love meant to me. I didn’t sart that way, but I ended up nursing my daughters for ME more than for them. I was the one that needed it. Isn’t that what feminist movement is about? To realize and fulfill your own needs?
Thank you my darling daughters for nursing me while you were nursing.